Sometimes, you don't take the advice of your close friends, no matter how well-meaning and sincere they are.
Sometimes, you swallow what pride you might have left.
Sometimes, you take another chance on that feeling coming back.
Sometimes you have to be there, no matter what.
And sometimes it might be what you were supposed to do after all.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Beautiful Day
It is an absolutely beautiful day outside today! The temperature, at least about an hour ago, was amazingly perfect, not a cloud in the sky, a cool breeze and warm sun... it feels like winter in Southern California!
I am going to get dressed and brush out my hair, then go down to St. Joseph's Cathedral to light a few candles for something very special. Perhaps after that I will go to Lake Hefner, or go find the Martin Nature Park. I had thought yesterday of perhaps visiting what I still refer to as the Cowboy Hall of Fame, but that might be best saved for a day that's not quite so amazing and begging for one to be outside.
A few more days until school begins. Though I am disappointed there doesn't seem to be an ebook for my history class, I am very happy to be taking another class from Mr. Van. Hey, any professor who will gleefully direct students to the best burritos in the South Bay has my vote!
I am going to get dressed and brush out my hair, then go down to St. Joseph's Cathedral to light a few candles for something very special. Perhaps after that I will go to Lake Hefner, or go find the Martin Nature Park. I had thought yesterday of perhaps visiting what I still refer to as the Cowboy Hall of Fame, but that might be best saved for a day that's not quite so amazing and begging for one to be outside.
A few more days until school begins. Though I am disappointed there doesn't seem to be an ebook for my history class, I am very happy to be taking another class from Mr. Van. Hey, any professor who will gleefully direct students to the best burritos in the South Bay has my vote!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Quitting
I am quitting smoking again. Yes, I started back up during the oh-so-fun turbulence of a couple weeks ago, and even found myself smoking one and a half to two packs of cigarettes daily. I finished the last pack Monday morning, and went cold turkey (again).
Am I cranky? Oh, yes. Pissy? Hells, yes. Does poor Master get to hear my moodiness? Yup. he sure does, poor man. I've been trying to not lash out at all, but it happens... a lot more than I would wish it to. He's even gone so far as to tell me that if I need a cigarette, go buy some. I hate to say it, but that would be the wrong way for me to go about things. I can't just taper down on cigarettes - it has to be either I am smoking or I am not smoking. Tapering down only affords me opportunity to cheat and smoke more.
I don't need to spend the money on cigarettes... they are almost $6.00 a pack after taxes right now. I don't need to walk around smelling like an ashtray, which I know I do. I sure don't need to put Master through all this crankiness again... he really doesn't deserve it. And Master doesn't like the smell of cigarettes, and he wants me safe and healthy. I want that, too, so I can drive him crazy in a lot of other, more amusing ways for a lot longer. :)
Am I cranky? Oh, yes. Pissy? Hells, yes. Does poor Master get to hear my moodiness? Yup. he sure does, poor man. I've been trying to not lash out at all, but it happens... a lot more than I would wish it to. He's even gone so far as to tell me that if I need a cigarette, go buy some. I hate to say it, but that would be the wrong way for me to go about things. I can't just taper down on cigarettes - it has to be either I am smoking or I am not smoking. Tapering down only affords me opportunity to cheat and smoke more.
I don't need to spend the money on cigarettes... they are almost $6.00 a pack after taxes right now. I don't need to walk around smelling like an ashtray, which I know I do. I sure don't need to put Master through all this crankiness again... he really doesn't deserve it. And Master doesn't like the smell of cigarettes, and he wants me safe and healthy. I want that, too, so I can drive him crazy in a lot of other, more amusing ways for a lot longer. :)
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Tumbling Through Rough Times
These past few weeks have been a roller coaster ride of epic proportions. Most of the time, I didn't know whether I was losing my Master or if he would keep me. It was nothing I had done or failed to do... I do need to get that out there. Instead it was a clashing mixture of outside influences, and one influence in particular that neither I nor Master should have really allowed to come inside.
It is over and done with, though. (Can you hear the huge sigh of relief from my end?) That influence is still trying to be "influential", but days for that are numbered low. Our relationship is sauntering back into the way it was. With a few bumps in the road, of course, but those are being dealt with as they come.
Master is an absolutely wonderful man, a rock and a centering strength. He knows this... even in these tough times, he does know this. I know it has been very difficult on him, and I certainly haven't always been the epitome of grace and beauty he should be able to expect of me. Still, he has handled everything (including me!) very well.
And as I told him when the sun began lighting the horizon as all of this horribleness ended: If we can make it through all of this, we can certainly make it through anything!
It is over and done with, though. (Can you hear the huge sigh of relief from my end?) That influence is still trying to be "influential", but days for that are numbered low. Our relationship is sauntering back into the way it was. With a few bumps in the road, of course, but those are being dealt with as they come.
Master is an absolutely wonderful man, a rock and a centering strength. He knows this... even in these tough times, he does know this. I know it has been very difficult on him, and I certainly haven't always been the epitome of grace and beauty he should be able to expect of me. Still, he has handled everything (including me!) very well.
And as I told him when the sun began lighting the horizon as all of this horribleness ended: If we can make it through all of this, we can certainly make it through anything!
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Writing A Poem
I woke before four in the morning a few days ago, with this in my head. For some reason, I thought it worth saving, and sent it to Master. He loved it, and after finally rereading it today, I think it is rather good.
I woke too early this morning
To the silence of my bed
In the stillness of my room.
Everything of mine shimmered with emptiness.
Not mine.
My security is in your arms
as they wrap around my body.
My happiness is in your delight.
My safety is in your voice
as it guides me home to you.
I woke too early this morning
To the silence of my bed
In the stillness of my room.
Everything of mine shimmered with emptiness.
Not mine.
My security is in your arms
as they wrap around my body.
My happiness is in your delight.
My safety is in your voice
as it guides me home to you.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Laughing
All he said was "Hi, my darling girl"and I melted.
All the balled up fears of not being good enough and messing everything up and his deciding against keeping me all unclenched and rolled away with just that one sentence... just those four words.
Yes, I am a complete goof at times, and probably more prone to destroying good things with my frights than anything, but he is a good, good man, and he knows me already, and he knows how to diffuse my stupidbombs.
All the balled up fears of not being good enough and messing everything up and his deciding against keeping me all unclenched and rolled away with just that one sentence... just those four words.
Yes, I am a complete goof at times, and probably more prone to destroying good things with my frights than anything, but he is a good, good man, and he knows me already, and he knows how to diffuse my stupidbombs.
Miss Fix-It Fraks It All Up For You
I always want to make things "okay" for people. Fix the bad stuff, and make everything right again, so people can smile. And I hate when it isn't in my power to do that, because frak it, it should be something I can do. (At least that's how I feel, and it is frustrating when I can't.)
This morning at work, there was a couple in the breakfast area. She was in tears, and trying so hard to hold it together. He was in some camo outfit and obviously being deployed. She would stop, take deep breaths, or drink her coffee, or swallow hard, and she would seem to be fine for a bit... and then the tears would come again, and her grip on his hand would tighten, and there was nothing he could do but hold her hand and talk softly to her.
I just wanted to be able to wave a magic wand and make everything beautiful and safe for them, and I couldn't, of course.
Last night, an older man was pretty much abandoned at the hotel with no room, no credit card (it was in his friend's car), and no way home. The friend had told him to use the room at the hotel, but the key card didn't work. (Later it was discovered the "friend" was actually in the room with a woman, and had been all night.) Phone calls to the "friend" were first answered by promises that he was on his way... and later by just empty ringing. The poor man was simply beside himself, completely exhausted, and had nowhere to turn. I didn't know what else to do for him but to let him stay in the lobby until the thunderstorm stopped, so he could walk across the interstate to the truck stop and see if anyone there could give him a ride. I hated that there was nothing I could do.
I've now learned that this need to fix things and make everything better can't be applied to Master. In attempting to offer this a few days ago, I think I really offended him. I didn't mean to, and I think he knows I didn't, but I did anyway. When I tried to explain part of it, I think I deepened the offense. He hasn't said much about it, and I don't want to bring it up again after publishing this entry.
Now I feel farther away from him, and like there is this filthy cesspool inside my chest because I did something so amazingly, stupidly wrong and now, in trying to "fix" something, I broke something else even more, and now I can't fix that, either. Apparently I am not supposed to be the one fixing things, but I've felt it's been required of me for so many years, whether with someone or alone, that it is hard to let go. It's a knee-jerk reaction to circumstances, and I have to unlearn that, and fast.
And I guess I am terrified I won't be able to fast enough to do any good, and I won't be as much of what he wanted. I don't want him disappointed in me, or disgusted with me, or in any way unhappy. But if I can't manage to fix my fixing, he will be.
I don't know... this is just such a rambling post right now.
At least the weather isn't so horribly hot today.
***EDIT***
And yes, the thing in the breakfast room really got to me this morning. When they left, she followed him out the doors, carrying one of his bags over her shoulder, a determined look on her face. I couldn't do that, I don't think.
This morning at work, there was a couple in the breakfast area. She was in tears, and trying so hard to hold it together. He was in some camo outfit and obviously being deployed. She would stop, take deep breaths, or drink her coffee, or swallow hard, and she would seem to be fine for a bit... and then the tears would come again, and her grip on his hand would tighten, and there was nothing he could do but hold her hand and talk softly to her.
I just wanted to be able to wave a magic wand and make everything beautiful and safe for them, and I couldn't, of course.
Last night, an older man was pretty much abandoned at the hotel with no room, no credit card (it was in his friend's car), and no way home. The friend had told him to use the room at the hotel, but the key card didn't work. (Later it was discovered the "friend" was actually in the room with a woman, and had been all night.) Phone calls to the "friend" were first answered by promises that he was on his way... and later by just empty ringing. The poor man was simply beside himself, completely exhausted, and had nowhere to turn. I didn't know what else to do for him but to let him stay in the lobby until the thunderstorm stopped, so he could walk across the interstate to the truck stop and see if anyone there could give him a ride. I hated that there was nothing I could do.
I've now learned that this need to fix things and make everything better can't be applied to Master. In attempting to offer this a few days ago, I think I really offended him. I didn't mean to, and I think he knows I didn't, but I did anyway. When I tried to explain part of it, I think I deepened the offense. He hasn't said much about it, and I don't want to bring it up again after publishing this entry.
Now I feel farther away from him, and like there is this filthy cesspool inside my chest because I did something so amazingly, stupidly wrong and now, in trying to "fix" something, I broke something else even more, and now I can't fix that, either. Apparently I am not supposed to be the one fixing things, but I've felt it's been required of me for so many years, whether with someone or alone, that it is hard to let go. It's a knee-jerk reaction to circumstances, and I have to unlearn that, and fast.
And I guess I am terrified I won't be able to fast enough to do any good, and I won't be as much of what he wanted. I don't want him disappointed in me, or disgusted with me, or in any way unhappy. But if I can't manage to fix my fixing, he will be.
I don't know... this is just such a rambling post right now.
At least the weather isn't so horribly hot today.
***EDIT***
And yes, the thing in the breakfast room really got to me this morning. When they left, she followed him out the doors, carrying one of his bags over her shoulder, a determined look on her face. I couldn't do that, I don't think.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Choking On Air
Nope, not the fun, wonderful, bone-shivering type of choking, when my brain stops my breath simply because my throat feels the brush of his hand against it.
This is a mixture of the still-new weight of the collar around my neck and the weight of the summer air outside. Have you ever had something pressing just under the cartilage of your throat, and just above the dip in your collarbone? That is what it feels like... an invisible, insubstantial something pressing against that part, tensing muscles and making it so very hard to breathe. (I get enough oxygen, yes... it just feels as though I am being choked.
It happens outdoors, mainly. My apartment, thanks to Aimee's air conditioner, is much, much better now, and the cool air somehow helps keep the humidity in here at bay. Or maybe I just don't really notice it as much. I can step inside, and leave the pressing hand on the other side of my threshold. Usually.
Sometimes it hangs on, and is carried inside as well, still choking me, but not as intensely. When this happens, usually a puff on the inhaler (never far away here, though rarely used in California) is sufficient to make it break away and leave me in peace. Apparently, there will be the odd unfortunate time or two when even that won't be enough, and my brain will keep insisting to my muscles that I am being choked, and I need help nowww!!! That is what just happened, and the inspiration for this posting.
I know I am supposed to keep the collar on and locked unless I have permission to remove it, or in an emergency, of course. (Master ain't stupid, and neither am I!) I have extra keys; one remains in the purse at all times. This time, however, the inhaler wasn't doing enough, and my brain was in panic-overriding mode. After realizing this was what was happening, I grabbed the key from the purse, which is right next to me, and undid the screw, swinging it open enough to make my brain understand it needs to take a dose of Valium and calm down.
It worked. About thirty seconds later I could breathe normally, with only a few little catches still persisting. I locked the collar again, and put the key away. It never left my neck, and I didn't want it to. I didn't do anything but sit in my chair, calming my mind and breathing... gratefully breathing!
Should I have texted Master before loosening the lock and swinging the collar open, even the little bit I did? Yes, probably. I think that now, but at the time all I wanted was to get my throat to relax. If I was wrong, I was wrong. I will do things differently in the future.
But that huge sigh I just had sure felt good.
This is a mixture of the still-new weight of the collar around my neck and the weight of the summer air outside. Have you ever had something pressing just under the cartilage of your throat, and just above the dip in your collarbone? That is what it feels like... an invisible, insubstantial something pressing against that part, tensing muscles and making it so very hard to breathe. (I get enough oxygen, yes... it just feels as though I am being choked.
It happens outdoors, mainly. My apartment, thanks to Aimee's air conditioner, is much, much better now, and the cool air somehow helps keep the humidity in here at bay. Or maybe I just don't really notice it as much. I can step inside, and leave the pressing hand on the other side of my threshold. Usually.
Sometimes it hangs on, and is carried inside as well, still choking me, but not as intensely. When this happens, usually a puff on the inhaler (never far away here, though rarely used in California) is sufficient to make it break away and leave me in peace. Apparently, there will be the odd unfortunate time or two when even that won't be enough, and my brain will keep insisting to my muscles that I am being choked, and I need help nowww!!! That is what just happened, and the inspiration for this posting.
I know I am supposed to keep the collar on and locked unless I have permission to remove it, or in an emergency, of course. (Master ain't stupid, and neither am I!) I have extra keys; one remains in the purse at all times. This time, however, the inhaler wasn't doing enough, and my brain was in panic-overriding mode. After realizing this was what was happening, I grabbed the key from the purse, which is right next to me, and undid the screw, swinging it open enough to make my brain understand it needs to take a dose of Valium and calm down.
It worked. About thirty seconds later I could breathe normally, with only a few little catches still persisting. I locked the collar again, and put the key away. It never left my neck, and I didn't want it to. I didn't do anything but sit in my chair, calming my mind and breathing... gratefully breathing!
Should I have texted Master before loosening the lock and swinging the collar open, even the little bit I did? Yes, probably. I think that now, but at the time all I wanted was to get my throat to relax. If I was wrong, I was wrong. I will do things differently in the future.
But that huge sigh I just had sure felt good.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
The Problem With Getting Healthy
I've wanted to lose weight and get healthier for a long time. Of course now I have a much more tangible reason than I had before, and that is good. I've been cutting out the fast food, eating more fruits, veggies, nuts and all, and finding myself with more energy. Not that I am about to power a small city with it yet -- I doubt I could power a bicycle up a steep hill right now! But this energy has me awake right now and wanting to do things, like clean the house and go run around and do errands.
Problem? Master is one time zone later than I. He is also farther north. That means that for him, the sun has set, he is heading to bed, he will want to go to sleep within a couple hours. but for me? The sun is still out, and will be for just under an hour. The birds are still chirping, and I have dishes to do, a late dinner to make for myself, and sort of wondering if there's anyplace to go shoot pool on a Tuesday night.
Instead, I am going in to take a cool bath, and then go into bed to kick up Skype and talk with Master. Now, before anyone thinks I am complaining about that, I am not. My body is a bit too bouncy right now, still wanting to go out and play... but I am not complaining about spending time with him.
I just wish there was an energy saver button somewhere on me, so I could kick it into lower gear for just a bit this evening.
Problem? Master is one time zone later than I. He is also farther north. That means that for him, the sun has set, he is heading to bed, he will want to go to sleep within a couple hours. but for me? The sun is still out, and will be for just under an hour. The birds are still chirping, and I have dishes to do, a late dinner to make for myself, and sort of wondering if there's anyplace to go shoot pool on a Tuesday night.
Instead, I am going in to take a cool bath, and then go into bed to kick up Skype and talk with Master. Now, before anyone thinks I am complaining about that, I am not. My body is a bit too bouncy right now, still wanting to go out and play... but I am not complaining about spending time with him.
I just wish there was an energy saver button somewhere on me, so I could kick it into lower gear for just a bit this evening.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
This Weight Around My Neck
On Thursday afternoon, the second collar arrived. The second, because the first was really too tight to wear safely or comfortably (though I hope to lose enough weight in a healthy manner so that it fits perfectly!), and this one is a bit larger. Master has me in a Turian-style collar right now, one that is a tube of metal encircling the neck, hinged on one side and screw-locked on the other, resting on the collarbone.
I wore it all day yesterday until I had to go to work. Wore it on the way to work, took it off and placed it in the purse he gave me for my shift, then replaced it around my neck as soon as I got back in the car. That I did because he wanted me to. I slept in it last night, taking it off on my own only when I bathed (and that was in part because the weight was beginning to give me a bit of a headache), and kept it on all day and night until I had to come to work at 11:00pm.
11:50pm, and I had this urge to put it on again. Not horrible, and not overwhelming, but strong enough to just want to go to the purse and take the stainless steel hoop and swing it closed around my neck, screwing the tiny screw into its hole to lock the hinge shut. I smiled as I felt the weight rest on my neck and collarbone, and went to help more guests.
Over an hour later I write this, and I am found smiling. It's that little, secret-type content smile women sometimes have, the one that's so difficult to explain... but when you see it, you understand completely.
This collar is comforting, warm with love, solid with reality. For now there is no leash, but someday soon I will hear the soft clinking of small chains cascading between my neck and his fingers. I can hardly wait, but I can wait, as well. I am just grateful to be his.
(and no, not said because he reads this! *laffs*)
I wore it all day yesterday until I had to go to work. Wore it on the way to work, took it off and placed it in the purse he gave me for my shift, then replaced it around my neck as soon as I got back in the car. That I did because he wanted me to. I slept in it last night, taking it off on my own only when I bathed (and that was in part because the weight was beginning to give me a bit of a headache), and kept it on all day and night until I had to come to work at 11:00pm.
11:50pm, and I had this urge to put it on again. Not horrible, and not overwhelming, but strong enough to just want to go to the purse and take the stainless steel hoop and swing it closed around my neck, screwing the tiny screw into its hole to lock the hinge shut. I smiled as I felt the weight rest on my neck and collarbone, and went to help more guests.
Over an hour later I write this, and I am found smiling. It's that little, secret-type content smile women sometimes have, the one that's so difficult to explain... but when you see it, you understand completely.
This collar is comforting, warm with love, solid with reality. For now there is no leash, but someday soon I will hear the soft clinking of small chains cascading between my neck and his fingers. I can hardly wait, but I can wait, as well. I am just grateful to be his.
(and no, not said because he reads this! *laffs*)
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