Beautiful Day

It is an absolutely beautiful day outside today! The temperature, at least about an hour ago, was amazingly perfect, not a cloud in the sky, a cool breeze and warm sun... it feels like winter in Southern California!

I am going to get dressed and brush out my hair, then go down to St. Joseph's Cathedral to light a few candles for something very special. Perhaps after that I will go to Lake Hefner, or go find the Martin Nature Park. I had thought yesterday of perhaps visiting what I still refer to as the Cowboy Hall of Fame, but that might be best saved for a day that's not quite so amazing and begging for one to be outside.

A few more days until school begins. Though I am disappointed there doesn't seem to be an ebook for my history class, I am very happy to be taking another class from Mr. Van. Hey, any professor who will gleefully direct students to the best burritos in the South Bay has my vote!

Quitting

I am quitting smoking again. Yes, I started back up during the oh-so-fun turbulence of a couple weeks ago, and even found myself smoking one and a half to two packs of cigarettes daily. I finished the last pack Monday morning, and went cold turkey (again).

Am I cranky? Oh, yes. Pissy? Hells, yes. Does poor Master get to hear my moodiness? Yup. he sure does, poor man. I've been trying to not lash out at all, but it happens... a lot more than I would wish it to. He's even gone so far as to tell me that if I need a cigarette, go buy some. I hate to say it, but that would be the wrong way for me to go about things. I can't just taper down on cigarettes - it has to be either I am smoking or I am not smoking. Tapering down only affords me opportunity to cheat and smoke more.

I don't need to spend the money on cigarettes... they are almost $6.00 a pack after taxes right now. I don't need to walk around smelling like an ashtray, which I know I do. I sure don't need to put Master through all this crankiness again... he really doesn't deserve it. And Master doesn't like the smell of cigarettes, and he wants me safe and healthy. I want that, too, so I can drive him crazy in a lot of other, more amusing ways for a lot longer. :)

Tumbling Through Rough Times

These past few weeks have been a roller coaster ride of epic proportions. Most of the time, I didn't know whether I was losing my Master or if he would keep me. It was nothing I had done or failed to do... I do need to get that out there. Instead it was a clashing mixture of outside influences, and one influence in particular that neither I nor Master should have really allowed to come inside.

It is over and done with, though. (Can you hear the huge sigh of relief from my end?) That influence is still trying to be "influential", but days for that are numbered low. Our relationship is sauntering back into the way it was. With a few bumps in the road, of course, but those are being dealt with as they come.

Master is an absolutely wonderful man, a rock and a centering strength. He knows this... even in these tough times, he does know this. I know it has been very difficult on him, and I certainly haven't always been the epitome of grace and beauty he should be able to expect of me. Still, he has handled everything (including me!) very well.

And as I told him when the sun began lighting the horizon as all of this horribleness ended: If we can make it through all of this, we can certainly make it through anything!

Writing A Poem

I woke before four in the morning a few days ago, with this in my head. For some reason, I thought it worth saving, and sent it to Master. He loved it, and after finally rereading it today, I think it is rather good.

I woke too early this morning
To the silence of my bed
In the stillness of my room.
Everything of mine shimmered with emptiness.
Not mine.
My security is in your arms
   as they wrap around my body.
My happiness is in your delight.
My safety is in your voice
   as it guides me home to you.