Nope, not the fun, wonderful, bone-shivering type of choking, when my brain stops my breath simply because my throat feels the brush of his hand against it.
This is a mixture of the still-new weight of the collar around my neck and the weight of the summer air outside. Have you ever had something pressing just under the cartilage of your throat, and just above the dip in your collarbone? That is what it feels like... an invisible, insubstantial something pressing against that part, tensing muscles and making it so very hard to breathe. (I get enough oxygen, yes... it just feels as though I am being choked.
It happens outdoors, mainly. My apartment, thanks to Aimee's air conditioner, is much, much better now, and the cool air somehow helps keep the humidity in here at bay. Or maybe I just don't really notice it as much. I can step inside, and leave the pressing hand on the other side of my threshold. Usually.
Sometimes it hangs on, and is carried inside as well, still choking me, but not as intensely. When this happens, usually a puff on the inhaler (never far away here, though rarely used in California) is sufficient to make it break away and leave me in peace. Apparently, there will be the odd unfortunate time or two when even that won't be enough, and my brain will keep insisting to my muscles that I am being choked, and I need help nowww!!! That is what just happened, and the inspiration for this posting.
I know I am supposed to keep the collar on and locked unless I have permission to remove it, or in an emergency, of course. (Master ain't stupid, and neither am I!) I have extra keys; one remains in the purse at all times. This time, however, the inhaler wasn't doing enough, and my brain was in panic-overriding mode. After realizing this was what was happening, I grabbed the key from the purse, which is right next to me, and undid the screw, swinging it open enough to make my brain understand it needs to take a dose of Valium and calm down.
It worked. About thirty seconds later I could breathe normally, with only a few little catches still persisting. I locked the collar again, and put the key away. It never left my neck, and I didn't want it to. I didn't do anything but sit in my chair, calming my mind and breathing... gratefully breathing!
Should I have texted Master before loosening the lock and swinging the collar open, even the little bit I did? Yes, probably. I think that now, but at the time all I wanted was to get my throat to relax. If I was wrong, I was wrong. I will do things differently in the future.
But that huge sigh I just had sure felt good.
Showing posts with label training. Show all posts
Showing posts with label training. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Just The Day Today
Day off! Homework finished. Three loads of laundry in the washers downstairs. Trash bags filling up, and I am wondering how in the hell I can accumulate so much crap over the course of a week or two. New printer up and running, thank goodness.
One of the first things to be printed? Today's To Do list, minus the more personal "to dos" of course. Have I mentioned I am horrible at being organized for myself? I'm pretty sure I have. I am very "ooh, shiny!" when I am home, which doesn't help with housework. but if I can check things off on a checklist, if I can see my progress as I go along? I make a game out of it, and things get done. Yes, I know that sounds very childish. I don't really care - it's how I am.
Neener!
Bills paid - excellent! Some running around in the car about to be done!
Although I just realized I forgot something Master told me to do. He understands how it happened, but I get a "correction" anyway. Inside my head is that little kid, dragging her feet (literally!) because she really doesn't want to be punished. I'm trying to ignore her whining about this excuse and that... and sort of surprising myself that I can. No, I don't want punishment or whatever, even though it was a smallish infraction and the punishment shouldn't be severe at all. I just want it forgotten. (Of course, I am not around him, and he would never have known I forgot had I not told him. *laughs* The dynamic sure isn't weak!)
So now I go do some errandy things and come back and find out what's in store. Deal with it, and go on, hopefully not screwing up again... at least not for awhile!
One of the first things to be printed? Today's To Do list, minus the more personal "to dos" of course. Have I mentioned I am horrible at being organized for myself? I'm pretty sure I have. I am very "ooh, shiny!" when I am home, which doesn't help with housework. but if I can check things off on a checklist, if I can see my progress as I go along? I make a game out of it, and things get done. Yes, I know that sounds very childish. I don't really care - it's how I am.
Neener!
Bills paid - excellent! Some running around in the car about to be done!
Although I just realized I forgot something Master told me to do. He understands how it happened, but I get a "correction" anyway. Inside my head is that little kid, dragging her feet (literally!) because she really doesn't want to be punished. I'm trying to ignore her whining about this excuse and that... and sort of surprising myself that I can. No, I don't want punishment or whatever, even though it was a smallish infraction and the punishment shouldn't be severe at all. I just want it forgotten. (Of course, I am not around him, and he would never have known I forgot had I not told him. *laughs* The dynamic sure isn't weak!)
So now I go do some errandy things and come back and find out what's in store. Deal with it, and go on, hopefully not screwing up again... at least not for awhile!
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Sort Of An Explanation
I guess I should explain to anyone coming to read this blog that you're not really going to find much in the way of titillation here. No stories about the bratty slavegirl being whipped mercilessly by her Master. (Okay, I hope not, at least! Going to try to avoid that one...) No juicy descriptions of sex scenes or anything.
What you will find is just me talking about my life and my relationship with my Master, who is really just a regular man, or so he keeps insisting to me. I'll let you know when I decide if I think that, too. *laughs* He and I have been close friends for nearly four years, albeit online. This was well before any M/s or romance or any such thing happened. I like this, because I feel much more comfortable with him than I would had we just started right off as master and slave.
He knows me as a very upset person, a woman angry inside at herself and at men she hoped would be more than they could manage to be for her. He knows me as someone shaken by a refusal I honestly didn't think would happen (and in a Dear Jane note, at that!). We know each other when we are livid, or hurt, or laughing, or silly, or excited, or quiet, or not feeling too well. We are the same age, so I can mention a Sesame Street skit, and he knows which one I'm talking about without explanation. We have so many things in common it's amazing, and yet many different things special to ourselves that make discovering each other so much fun.
The thing is, we have known each other as friends, so we can now discover the rest without having to figure out if we are compatible just hanging around together in the long term. That is what this blog is - the second part of the journey of discovery. If we seem too informal, it is because we don't feel the need for formality as a constant with each other. I don't know about Master, but it would stifle me, make me worry about stepping the wrong way or breaking some small rule of etiquette I'd forgotten. And I would feel afraid to laugh and joke with him, which would dampen my spirit and my joy. I know that isn't something he wants - he's said so on quite a few occasions.
I like the way things are going, and I am hoping people who wander across this blog might see a glimpse of this life in a different light, if they don't already.
That's all. :)
What you will find is just me talking about my life and my relationship with my Master, who is really just a regular man, or so he keeps insisting to me. I'll let you know when I decide if I think that, too. *laughs* He and I have been close friends for nearly four years, albeit online. This was well before any M/s or romance or any such thing happened. I like this, because I feel much more comfortable with him than I would had we just started right off as master and slave.
He knows me as a very upset person, a woman angry inside at herself and at men she hoped would be more than they could manage to be for her. He knows me as someone shaken by a refusal I honestly didn't think would happen (and in a Dear Jane note, at that!). We know each other when we are livid, or hurt, or laughing, or silly, or excited, or quiet, or not feeling too well. We are the same age, so I can mention a Sesame Street skit, and he knows which one I'm talking about without explanation. We have so many things in common it's amazing, and yet many different things special to ourselves that make discovering each other so much fun.
The thing is, we have known each other as friends, so we can now discover the rest without having to figure out if we are compatible just hanging around together in the long term. That is what this blog is - the second part of the journey of discovery. If we seem too informal, it is because we don't feel the need for formality as a constant with each other. I don't know about Master, but it would stifle me, make me worry about stepping the wrong way or breaking some small rule of etiquette I'd forgotten. And I would feel afraid to laugh and joke with him, which would dampen my spirit and my joy. I know that isn't something he wants - he's said so on quite a few occasions.
I like the way things are going, and I am hoping people who wander across this blog might see a glimpse of this life in a different light, if they don't already.
That's all. :)
A Little Bit Of Training
Since this is a long-distance relationship for now, Master and I do things "together" usually online. We fire up the Skype and talk a lot, and occasionally "watch tv". That started with showing each other different clips on YouTube, and has grown into watching whole shows on that site. Currently? Pride and Prejudice, the 1995 version with Colin Firth and Jennifer Erle. (I think I need to look over on Hulu to see what else I can suggest we can watch together, too...) While we're not physically curled up on the couch together and watching, it still feels like that in closeness with the voice application.
Last night, Master had me wear the wrist and ankle cuffs he sent me while we watched two of the episodes. The ankle cuffs were locked, though the wrist ones weren't. (I was too afraid I'd not be able to get out of them, and sitting there naked and bound by myself when having to call for 911 to come help me? You know I begged him not to have me lock the wrists!) About halfway through, he asked me how they felt. And to be honest, I really liked them. The ankle ones, especially, because they are soft but strong, and felt to me the same as if his hands were wrapped around my ankles, holding them in place. Even though he wasn't here, it was almost as if he was. And it was nice.
Yes, it's hard to completely feel submission over distance like this, especially as we've not met before. (I guess at some point I should explain the whole situation.) Compound it with how both our lives went hectic right as I was collared, plus the different work schedules, and the fact my training has really only been in an online capacity, and you have "hard". But hells, I'd rather have it start out hard than go for a few years and then run up against problems. I know over time there probably will be problems every so often, but at least this is a good testing ground for those later on.
But I do really like those cuffs. :)
Last night, Master had me wear the wrist and ankle cuffs he sent me while we watched two of the episodes. The ankle cuffs were locked, though the wrist ones weren't. (I was too afraid I'd not be able to get out of them, and sitting there naked and bound by myself when having to call for 911 to come help me? You know I begged him not to have me lock the wrists!) About halfway through, he asked me how they felt. And to be honest, I really liked them. The ankle ones, especially, because they are soft but strong, and felt to me the same as if his hands were wrapped around my ankles, holding them in place. Even though he wasn't here, it was almost as if he was. And it was nice.
Yes, it's hard to completely feel submission over distance like this, especially as we've not met before. (I guess at some point I should explain the whole situation.) Compound it with how both our lives went hectic right as I was collared, plus the different work schedules, and the fact my training has really only been in an online capacity, and you have "hard". But hells, I'd rather have it start out hard than go for a few years and then run up against problems. I know over time there probably will be problems every so often, but at least this is a good testing ground for those later on.
But I do really like those cuffs. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)