Choking On Air

Nope, not the fun, wonderful, bone-shivering type of choking, when my brain stops my breath simply because my throat feels the brush of his hand against it.

This is a mixture of the still-new weight of the collar around my neck and the weight of the summer air outside. Have you ever had something pressing just under the cartilage of your throat, and just above the dip in your collarbone? That is what it feels like... an invisible, insubstantial something pressing against that part, tensing muscles and making it so very hard to breathe. (I get enough oxygen, yes... it just feels as though I am being choked.

It happens outdoors, mainly. My apartment, thanks to Aimee's air conditioner, is much, much better now, and the cool air somehow helps keep the humidity in here at bay. Or maybe I just don't really notice it as much. I can step inside, and leave the pressing hand on the other side of my threshold. Usually.

Sometimes it hangs on, and is carried inside as well, still choking me, but not as intensely. When this happens, usually a puff on the inhaler (never far away here, though rarely used in California) is sufficient to make it break away and leave me in peace. Apparently, there will be the odd unfortunate time or two when even that won't be enough, and my brain will keep insisting to my muscles that I am being choked, and I need help nowww!!! That is what just happened, and the inspiration for this posting.

I know I am supposed to keep the collar on and locked unless I have permission to remove it, or in an emergency, of course. (Master ain't stupid, and neither am I!) I have extra keys; one remains in the purse at all times. This time, however, the inhaler wasn't doing enough, and my brain was in panic-overriding mode. After realizing this was what was happening, I grabbed the key from the purse, which is right next to me, and undid the screw, swinging it open enough to make my brain understand it needs to take a dose of Valium and calm down.

It worked. About thirty seconds later I could breathe normally, with only a few little catches still persisting. I locked the collar again, and put the key away. It never left my neck, and I didn't want it to. I didn't do anything but sit in my chair, calming my mind and breathing... gratefully breathing!

Should I have texted Master before loosening the lock and swinging the collar open, even the little bit I did? Yes, probably. I think that now, but at the time all I wanted was to get my throat to relax. If I was wrong, I was wrong. I will do things differently in the future.

But that huge sigh I just had sure felt good.