I always want to make things "okay" for people. Fix the bad stuff, and make everything right again, so people can smile. And I hate when it isn't in my power to do that, because frak it, it should be something I can do. (At least that's how I feel, and it is frustrating when I can't.)
This morning at work, there was a couple in the breakfast area. She was in tears, and trying so hard to hold it together. He was in some camo outfit and obviously being deployed. She would stop, take deep breaths, or drink her coffee, or swallow hard, and she would seem to be fine for a bit... and then the tears would come again, and her grip on his hand would tighten, and there was nothing he could do but hold her hand and talk softly to her.
I just wanted to be able to wave a magic wand and make everything beautiful and safe for them, and I couldn't, of course.
Last night, an older man was pretty much abandoned at the hotel with no room, no credit card (it was in his friend's car), and no way home. The friend had told him to use the room at the hotel, but the key card didn't work. (Later it was discovered the "friend" was actually in the room with a woman, and had been all night.) Phone calls to the "friend" were first answered by promises that he was on his way... and later by just empty ringing. The poor man was simply beside himself, completely exhausted, and had nowhere to turn. I didn't know what else to do for him but to let him stay in the lobby until the thunderstorm stopped, so he could walk across the interstate to the truck stop and see if anyone there could give him a ride. I hated that there was nothing I could do.
I've now learned that this need to fix things and make everything better can't be applied to Master. In attempting to offer this a few days ago, I think I really offended him. I didn't mean to, and I think he knows I didn't, but I did anyway. When I tried to explain part of it, I think I deepened the offense. He hasn't said much about it, and I don't want to bring it up again after publishing this entry.
Now I feel farther away from him, and like there is this filthy cesspool inside my chest because I did something so amazingly, stupidly wrong and now, in trying to "fix" something, I broke something else even more, and now I can't fix that, either. Apparently I am not supposed to be the one fixing things, but I've felt it's been required of me for so many years, whether with someone or alone, that it is hard to let go. It's a knee-jerk reaction to circumstances, and I have to unlearn that, and fast.
And I guess I am terrified I won't be able to fast enough to do any good, and I won't be as much of what he wanted. I don't want him disappointed in me, or disgusted with me, or in any way unhappy. But if I can't manage to fix my fixing, he will be.
I don't know... this is just such a rambling post right now.
At least the weather isn't so horribly hot today.
***EDIT***
And yes, the thing in the breakfast room really got to me this morning. When they left, she followed him out the doors, carrying one of his bags over her shoulder, a determined look on her face. I couldn't do that, I don't think.
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