Struggles

Right now, I want a cigarette. I have eaten too much Chinese food, but keep wanting to eat more because I don't have a cigarette. A cigarette is like the period at the end of a sentence: it tells you when to stop reading... or in this case, when to stop eating.

I went out this morning and walked for thirty minutes. I am completely ashamed of that - when I lived in California, I walked nearly every day, simply because it was a good mode of transportation. The weather was almost always fine, the shops and restaurants and grocer's and post office were all within walking distance, and there were always tons of things to take photos of. I stopped walking very much after I moved here in January. No winter clothes (hell, no autumn clothes, either!) helped see to that in the snow and ice storms that were occurring here. The public transportation here is practically nil, so it was a bit rare for me to go explore somewhere on one of the better-weather days. As a result, my first two months here saw me gain 23 pounds. I was already fighting my weight to begin with, and the past year of unemployment really saw a surge on the scale.

A few months ago, I started smoking cigarettes again. It really did help me lose some weight, and I got back down to 210 as of two weeks ago. But their effectiveness has been wearing off a bit, or I have just become more nervous again and anxiety-filled, and the weight has most likely shot up recently. (I don't know, as I don't have the balls to step on a scale right now.)

A huge part of the reason I remained so sedentary even after the weather warmed up was that my air conditioning didn't work in the apartment. I now have a window unit, and it works well. So why am I still acting like a slug?

Maybe it's because when I do try to do things, I am even more aware of how little I can do anymore. I know I have to keep trying and working at it to get back to how I was, but it's... I don't know.

And maybe it's the last ditch effort of my subconscious or something, trying to insulate me from any potential heartbreak, even though I honestly don't see heartbreak happening this time. Something inside me that really doesn't believe I deserve the man I seem to have wound up with. After all, look at the parade of mis-matches and losers in the past? So maybe if I remain all hideous-looking, I can make sure he really doesn't want me and...

Pfft. And that is the lack of nicotine talking, really. I know better. And if he wants me to change after we meet, then he will definitely tell me. Hells, at least I won't smell like an old man bar near the end of winter! That is, if I can keep myself from smoking.