Because He Said

Master said he would like for me to write an entry in this journal today. You know how it is, though... "Write about what?" I ask him. "Anything," he replies. Thoughts, observations, anything about being a slave.

I said all I could think about right now was how hot it is. 

So..... Yes, it is hot. It seems the thermometer is stuck at 97* for hours and hours upon end. (Last night I went to bed with those blue ice packs from the freezer hovering around my body on the bed. Don't laugh - it worked! Well, especially after I put one under the back of my neck and laid back on the pillow...)

This kind of weather wilts me. I have no energy, and my brain feels like Malt-O-Meal when I try to think. How I am actually getting all this out onto e-paper is beyond me. Maybe the writer in me is much more willful than anything else. There are certain things Master wants me to do each day, and to be honest, this heat just gives me the attitude of "meh, maybe later... maybe lots later". Really good slave-like thinking, right? *rolls eyes*

Kneeling for a set amount of time doesn't seem too bad, right? Even in front of a fan? It probably wouldn't be, if I was actually used to it. I am still getting there, though. I weigh a lot more than I did when I used to plop onto the floor and kneel to read something, or watch television, or play a board game. It hurts now, and though I know it's go away someday, it hurts right now. Whining? You bet. But I do it. The fact that the pain and the going to sleep of limbs makes it uncomfortable, and for some reason the discomfort makes my body hot (and not in a good way), makes me really dread doing it. I don't want to. Hot and ouchie are not two of my favorite feelings.

I am trying to be much better at watching cash flow and what I eat, only without the air conditioner working and no window in the kitchen, do you really think I want to cook in there? Hells, I don't even want to go in there. (Neither does my cat!) I also don't want to do house cleaning, and launder my clothes only when I realize I have no more clean things to wear.

I am supposed to be writing something for his project online, but with mush-brain, I can't think of what to write, can't make my fingers really work on the keyboard... I just want to be completely lazy and go back in the bedroom and sleep until September.

All these things will wind up getting done, yes. And when the air conditioning is finally fixed, it will be much better, and I know it. It's just a struggle right now with the heat and a few other things left unmentioned in my life to make myself do what he wants me to do. It's not that I don't want to... it's that I don't want to in this heat and this tiredness and all this complete blah. I feel like just pulling away sometimes and shutting down until it's more comfortable for me.

Which, of course, is the wrong attitude and what I am ultimately struggling with right now. I'm a tough cookie (or so I try to put out), and I'll fight through it. But damn, it's not a fight I thought I would have to take on so soon.