Unspoiled

If I want something, I buy it. If I can't afford it, I either figure out a way to afford it, or I don't get it. That's the way it's always been with me. Most of the time I make due with what I have, and hopefully I don't spend too much money on little silly things to make myself smile, or make myself feel better about whatever it is I am trying to feel better about. (Usually, though, I do spend too much just on silly trinkets and all.)

This is going to be one of the bigger changes for me: asking permission to spend money on larger purchases, or really any purchase that isn't directly related to household stuff. (I don't have to ask to buy a 6-pack of Charmin or some Lysol or shampoo.) I don't mind it, not at all. In an odd way I rather like it. Master sends me a task list each morning, too, and in it might be things I need to go buy, bills I should pay, etc. Believe me, I can get so scatterbrained at times that a list like that helps!

As I alluded to, I have a bit of a bad habit of spending money on little silliness that adds up, and then gripping tight to money that needs to go for bills or important things. He lets me buy silliness, but now I don't feel that driving need to spoil myself with those. He has also sent me things he feels I need, which is a change from anyone before. I absolutely love taking photos, as anyone who knows me probably knows. My trusty camera of three years broke last week. Granted, lately it's been used mainly on my poor cat and on pictures of clouds, but still... I feel incomplete without a camera in my purse or pocket. Master, having known me for years already, knows this. I was trying to figure out finances that would let me grab just a $100 camera or something, but before I could even make a game plan on that, he bought me a replacement camera (better than what I had!) and sent it to me.

I realize that sort of sounds like I am showing off. I don't mean it that way. I am more grateful and amazed than I can express for that and for all the other wonderful things he has sent. He says I'd better not start becoming spoiled, and I honestly don't think I would. These gifts make me feel special and make me feel a bit spoiled, but that's different than actually being so. Instead, they are giving me a lasting feeling of deep-seated security. I can't really explain why. Maybe it's because most of my life, even as a child, there has always been the underlying worry about money and things. Today, I bought a printer to replace the one somehow screwified on my move back here from California. I need it for school. I need it to edit some writing. I need a printer, period. He gave me permission to go buy one today, and I would not have done so otherwise. On my own, I would have worried about needing the money for something else, and wound up spending it, little by little, on things I really don't need.

I guess what I am getting at is that he takes the responsibility of the choice from me. I know that would not set well in the least with quite a few of my friends, but for me, it works well. I don't have to second and third guess myself now. I don't have to face that huge monster of Buyer's Regret. He takes that away and, in a way, takes it upon himself, leaving me free to concentrate on things like school and writing and work and making him happy.

Yes, that could make me spoiled in a way, but in a good way. If I don't have to take up time and energy with worry and calculations and beating myself up over a purchase or two, I have that time and energy to devote to him and what he wants. Seeing him happy makes me happy, which makes me want to make him happy more. I like being spoiled like that.