Master wants me to go out and have fun today. Go to a museum, go run some errands to the market and all. (Right now, I am downloading the latest patch for World of Warcraft and plan on playing for an hour or so before vacuuming, doing the dishes, and tidying up a bit more.) None of the museums open for about another hour, and I am still trying to figure out which one to go see.
There is a "Sketch to Screen" exhibit at the Museum of Art, but that runs for another month. I really want to see it because they have the glasses Gregory Peck wore in To Kill A Mockingbird, one of my all-time favorite actors and favorite movies.
There is some infantry museum with (supposedly) a bunch of things from Hitler's bunker and house. Yes, I am morbidly fascinated with that, and with a lot of things involving WWII. (No, I am NOT a Nazi.)
Close to that is what I still think of as the Cowboy Hall of Fame, now renamed a more politically correct title. I would love to go there and see things I haven't seen since I was a child, and see what new things they have there.
Down in Norman at the university there is a lovely collection of art, but the car I use seems to need a bit of work, and I really don't want to take the chance. One of these days, though, I will get down there and check it out.
I know there are a few old houses around here that have been turned into museums, and I love things like that, too. I remember as a child how I loved when our parents took us to this mansion turned museum not too far north of there. It had two curved staircases, bedrooms and sitting rooms arranged in the way they were a century or so ago, and even a fountain in the solarium! The back doors were French doors, with slightly wavy glass, and they opened onto a huge sitting area (too large and fine to be called a porch) overlooking this huge walking garden. It looked as if it had come out of an Austen novel, but to me as a child, it was magical and a place I wished was home. When I moved back, I asked about it, only to discover the mansion had been sold to a private party, and "all" its artwork removed to the Museum of Art. Unfortunately, "all" seems only to have been some of the paintings. The furnishings and the atmosphere did not accompany them.
One of the places I absolutely adored in Los Angeles was the Armand Hammer Museum at UCLA. To stand directly in front of a Rembrandt and be able to stare at it so closely that you can see the runnels in the brush strokes where the brush hairs etched a pattern is amazing. Then for the reality to blossom in your mind, that this painting was created by hands that were warmed by the sun and by their own lifeblood four hundred years ago... it is the most profound experience.
It's funny, but most of these things I have experienced on my own. Now I think of things I have seen and enjoyed and marveled at, and I want to take Master's hand, gently tugging at him, begging him to come see all these things as well. I want to show him what I've seen and what I've known. I want to share what thoughts I've entertained in my odd little mind, and I want to know what he thinks and sees.
Anyway, while I wrote this, I somehow uninstalled all of World of Warcraft while trying to reinstall Burning Crusade. Now my CD-ROM drive doesn't want to open. I am posting this and rebooting, hoping that will fix everything.
And then? A shower, a healthy breakfast, writing a grocery list, and out the door I go!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Just The Day Today
Day off! Homework finished. Three loads of laundry in the washers downstairs. Trash bags filling up, and I am wondering how in the hell I can accumulate so much crap over the course of a week or two. New printer up and running, thank goodness.
One of the first things to be printed? Today's To Do list, minus the more personal "to dos" of course. Have I mentioned I am horrible at being organized for myself? I'm pretty sure I have. I am very "ooh, shiny!" when I am home, which doesn't help with housework. but if I can check things off on a checklist, if I can see my progress as I go along? I make a game out of it, and things get done. Yes, I know that sounds very childish. I don't really care - it's how I am.
Neener!
Bills paid - excellent! Some running around in the car about to be done!
Although I just realized I forgot something Master told me to do. He understands how it happened, but I get a "correction" anyway. Inside my head is that little kid, dragging her feet (literally!) because she really doesn't want to be punished. I'm trying to ignore her whining about this excuse and that... and sort of surprising myself that I can. No, I don't want punishment or whatever, even though it was a smallish infraction and the punishment shouldn't be severe at all. I just want it forgotten. (Of course, I am not around him, and he would never have known I forgot had I not told him. *laughs* The dynamic sure isn't weak!)
So now I go do some errandy things and come back and find out what's in store. Deal with it, and go on, hopefully not screwing up again... at least not for awhile!
One of the first things to be printed? Today's To Do list, minus the more personal "to dos" of course. Have I mentioned I am horrible at being organized for myself? I'm pretty sure I have. I am very "ooh, shiny!" when I am home, which doesn't help with housework. but if I can check things off on a checklist, if I can see my progress as I go along? I make a game out of it, and things get done. Yes, I know that sounds very childish. I don't really care - it's how I am.
Neener!
Bills paid - excellent! Some running around in the car about to be done!
Although I just realized I forgot something Master told me to do. He understands how it happened, but I get a "correction" anyway. Inside my head is that little kid, dragging her feet (literally!) because she really doesn't want to be punished. I'm trying to ignore her whining about this excuse and that... and sort of surprising myself that I can. No, I don't want punishment or whatever, even though it was a smallish infraction and the punishment shouldn't be severe at all. I just want it forgotten. (Of course, I am not around him, and he would never have known I forgot had I not told him. *laughs* The dynamic sure isn't weak!)
So now I go do some errandy things and come back and find out what's in store. Deal with it, and go on, hopefully not screwing up again... at least not for awhile!
Monday, June 28, 2010
Unspoiled
If I want something, I buy it. If I can't afford it, I either figure out a way to afford it, or I don't get it. That's the way it's always been with me. Most of the time I make due with what I have, and hopefully I don't spend too much money on little silly things to make myself smile, or make myself feel better about whatever it is I am trying to feel better about. (Usually, though, I do spend too much just on silly trinkets and all.)
This is going to be one of the bigger changes for me: asking permission to spend money on larger purchases, or really any purchase that isn't directly related to household stuff. (I don't have to ask to buy a 6-pack of Charmin or some Lysol or shampoo.) I don't mind it, not at all. In an odd way I rather like it. Master sends me a task list each morning, too, and in it might be things I need to go buy, bills I should pay, etc. Believe me, I can get so scatterbrained at times that a list like that helps!
As I alluded to, I have a bit of a bad habit of spending money on little silliness that adds up, and then gripping tight to money that needs to go for bills or important things. He lets me buy silliness, but now I don't feel that driving need to spoil myself with those. He has also sent me things he feels I need, which is a change from anyone before. I absolutely love taking photos, as anyone who knows me probably knows. My trusty camera of three years broke last week. Granted, lately it's been used mainly on my poor cat and on pictures of clouds, but still... I feel incomplete without a camera in my purse or pocket. Master, having known me for years already, knows this. I was trying to figure out finances that would let me grab just a $100 camera or something, but before I could even make a game plan on that, he bought me a replacement camera (better than what I had!) and sent it to me.
I realize that sort of sounds like I am showing off. I don't mean it that way. I am more grateful and amazed than I can express for that and for all the other wonderful things he has sent. He says I'd better not start becoming spoiled, and I honestly don't think I would. These gifts make me feel special and make me feel a bit spoiled, but that's different than actually being so. Instead, they are giving me a lasting feeling of deep-seated security. I can't really explain why. Maybe it's because most of my life, even as a child, there has always been the underlying worry about money and things. Today, I bought a printer to replace the one somehow screwified on my move back here from California. I need it for school. I need it to edit some writing. I need a printer, period. He gave me permission to go buy one today, and I would not have done so otherwise. On my own, I would have worried about needing the money for something else, and wound up spending it, little by little, on things I really don't need.
I guess what I am getting at is that he takes the responsibility of the choice from me. I know that would not set well in the least with quite a few of my friends, but for me, it works well. I don't have to second and third guess myself now. I don't have to face that huge monster of Buyer's Regret. He takes that away and, in a way, takes it upon himself, leaving me free to concentrate on things like school and writing and work and making him happy.
Yes, that could make me spoiled in a way, but in a good way. If I don't have to take up time and energy with worry and calculations and beating myself up over a purchase or two, I have that time and energy to devote to him and what he wants. Seeing him happy makes me happy, which makes me want to make him happy more. I like being spoiled like that.
This is going to be one of the bigger changes for me: asking permission to spend money on larger purchases, or really any purchase that isn't directly related to household stuff. (I don't have to ask to buy a 6-pack of Charmin or some Lysol or shampoo.) I don't mind it, not at all. In an odd way I rather like it. Master sends me a task list each morning, too, and in it might be things I need to go buy, bills I should pay, etc. Believe me, I can get so scatterbrained at times that a list like that helps!
As I alluded to, I have a bit of a bad habit of spending money on little silliness that adds up, and then gripping tight to money that needs to go for bills or important things. He lets me buy silliness, but now I don't feel that driving need to spoil myself with those. He has also sent me things he feels I need, which is a change from anyone before. I absolutely love taking photos, as anyone who knows me probably knows. My trusty camera of three years broke last week. Granted, lately it's been used mainly on my poor cat and on pictures of clouds, but still... I feel incomplete without a camera in my purse or pocket. Master, having known me for years already, knows this. I was trying to figure out finances that would let me grab just a $100 camera or something, but before I could even make a game plan on that, he bought me a replacement camera (better than what I had!) and sent it to me.
I realize that sort of sounds like I am showing off. I don't mean it that way. I am more grateful and amazed than I can express for that and for all the other wonderful things he has sent. He says I'd better not start becoming spoiled, and I honestly don't think I would. These gifts make me feel special and make me feel a bit spoiled, but that's different than actually being so. Instead, they are giving me a lasting feeling of deep-seated security. I can't really explain why. Maybe it's because most of my life, even as a child, there has always been the underlying worry about money and things. Today, I bought a printer to replace the one somehow screwified on my move back here from California. I need it for school. I need it to edit some writing. I need a printer, period. He gave me permission to go buy one today, and I would not have done so otherwise. On my own, I would have worried about needing the money for something else, and wound up spending it, little by little, on things I really don't need.
I guess what I am getting at is that he takes the responsibility of the choice from me. I know that would not set well in the least with quite a few of my friends, but for me, it works well. I don't have to second and third guess myself now. I don't have to face that huge monster of Buyer's Regret. He takes that away and, in a way, takes it upon himself, leaving me free to concentrate on things like school and writing and work and making him happy.
Yes, that could make me spoiled in a way, but in a good way. If I don't have to take up time and energy with worry and calculations and beating myself up over a purchase or two, I have that time and energy to devote to him and what he wants. Seeing him happy makes me happy, which makes me want to make him happy more. I like being spoiled like that.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Open Letter To No One In Particular
I know break-ups are hard things to deal with. Believe me, I know! And when you know, deep inside, that a large chunk of the fault rests on your shoulders, whether you want to accept this or not, it can make the loss even worse.
But you have to remember that Fatal Attraction is just a movie... only that and nothing more. It is not a guide to getting him back, or getting back at him. (And considering Glenn Close's character dies at the end, it doesn't sound very promising!) And really, when you go to extraordinary lengths to lash out at him, don't you realize you are only making yourself look worse, and anyone who comes after you look better? In not accepting what has happened with grace and dignity, you destroy any chance there ever might have been for a reunion.
I'm not saying there shouldn't be anger and sadness. Those are natural, no matter what. They just go along with the process. When you allow them to manifest themselves in such silver-screen-worthy ways, you are asking for much more than you bargained for. Perhaps not the first time you do this, and perhaps not the second nor third... but at some point you will attempt to wreak havoc in the life of an ex, and said ex will not be nearly as forgiving and understanding as those before.
I hope, if you ever read this, that the next man you have will not become an ex, and that you both are exceedingly happy with each other. I honestly do, because I think everyone should have that. But if the next man does leave you, or you leave him, I hope you remember my cautionary words and heed them.
But you have to remember that Fatal Attraction is just a movie... only that and nothing more. It is not a guide to getting him back, or getting back at him. (And considering Glenn Close's character dies at the end, it doesn't sound very promising!) And really, when you go to extraordinary lengths to lash out at him, don't you realize you are only making yourself look worse, and anyone who comes after you look better? In not accepting what has happened with grace and dignity, you destroy any chance there ever might have been for a reunion.
I'm not saying there shouldn't be anger and sadness. Those are natural, no matter what. They just go along with the process. When you allow them to manifest themselves in such silver-screen-worthy ways, you are asking for much more than you bargained for. Perhaps not the first time you do this, and perhaps not the second nor third... but at some point you will attempt to wreak havoc in the life of an ex, and said ex will not be nearly as forgiving and understanding as those before.
I hope, if you ever read this, that the next man you have will not become an ex, and that you both are exceedingly happy with each other. I honestly do, because I think everyone should have that. But if the next man does leave you, or you leave him, I hope you remember my cautionary words and heed them.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Sort Of An Explanation
I guess I should explain to anyone coming to read this blog that you're not really going to find much in the way of titillation here. No stories about the bratty slavegirl being whipped mercilessly by her Master. (Okay, I hope not, at least! Going to try to avoid that one...) No juicy descriptions of sex scenes or anything.
What you will find is just me talking about my life and my relationship with my Master, who is really just a regular man, or so he keeps insisting to me. I'll let you know when I decide if I think that, too. *laughs* He and I have been close friends for nearly four years, albeit online. This was well before any M/s or romance or any such thing happened. I like this, because I feel much more comfortable with him than I would had we just started right off as master and slave.
He knows me as a very upset person, a woman angry inside at herself and at men she hoped would be more than they could manage to be for her. He knows me as someone shaken by a refusal I honestly didn't think would happen (and in a Dear Jane note, at that!). We know each other when we are livid, or hurt, or laughing, or silly, or excited, or quiet, or not feeling too well. We are the same age, so I can mention a Sesame Street skit, and he knows which one I'm talking about without explanation. We have so many things in common it's amazing, and yet many different things special to ourselves that make discovering each other so much fun.
The thing is, we have known each other as friends, so we can now discover the rest without having to figure out if we are compatible just hanging around together in the long term. That is what this blog is - the second part of the journey of discovery. If we seem too informal, it is because we don't feel the need for formality as a constant with each other. I don't know about Master, but it would stifle me, make me worry about stepping the wrong way or breaking some small rule of etiquette I'd forgotten. And I would feel afraid to laugh and joke with him, which would dampen my spirit and my joy. I know that isn't something he wants - he's said so on quite a few occasions.
I like the way things are going, and I am hoping people who wander across this blog might see a glimpse of this life in a different light, if they don't already.
That's all. :)
What you will find is just me talking about my life and my relationship with my Master, who is really just a regular man, or so he keeps insisting to me. I'll let you know when I decide if I think that, too. *laughs* He and I have been close friends for nearly four years, albeit online. This was well before any M/s or romance or any such thing happened. I like this, because I feel much more comfortable with him than I would had we just started right off as master and slave.
He knows me as a very upset person, a woman angry inside at herself and at men she hoped would be more than they could manage to be for her. He knows me as someone shaken by a refusal I honestly didn't think would happen (and in a Dear Jane note, at that!). We know each other when we are livid, or hurt, or laughing, or silly, or excited, or quiet, or not feeling too well. We are the same age, so I can mention a Sesame Street skit, and he knows which one I'm talking about without explanation. We have so many things in common it's amazing, and yet many different things special to ourselves that make discovering each other so much fun.
The thing is, we have known each other as friends, so we can now discover the rest without having to figure out if we are compatible just hanging around together in the long term. That is what this blog is - the second part of the journey of discovery. If we seem too informal, it is because we don't feel the need for formality as a constant with each other. I don't know about Master, but it would stifle me, make me worry about stepping the wrong way or breaking some small rule of etiquette I'd forgotten. And I would feel afraid to laugh and joke with him, which would dampen my spirit and my joy. I know that isn't something he wants - he's said so on quite a few occasions.
I like the way things are going, and I am hoping people who wander across this blog might see a glimpse of this life in a different light, if they don't already.
That's all. :)
A Little Bit Of Training
Since this is a long-distance relationship for now, Master and I do things "together" usually online. We fire up the Skype and talk a lot, and occasionally "watch tv". That started with showing each other different clips on YouTube, and has grown into watching whole shows on that site. Currently? Pride and Prejudice, the 1995 version with Colin Firth and Jennifer Erle. (I think I need to look over on Hulu to see what else I can suggest we can watch together, too...) While we're not physically curled up on the couch together and watching, it still feels like that in closeness with the voice application.
Last night, Master had me wear the wrist and ankle cuffs he sent me while we watched two of the episodes. The ankle cuffs were locked, though the wrist ones weren't. (I was too afraid I'd not be able to get out of them, and sitting there naked and bound by myself when having to call for 911 to come help me? You know I begged him not to have me lock the wrists!) About halfway through, he asked me how they felt. And to be honest, I really liked them. The ankle ones, especially, because they are soft but strong, and felt to me the same as if his hands were wrapped around my ankles, holding them in place. Even though he wasn't here, it was almost as if he was. And it was nice.
Yes, it's hard to completely feel submission over distance like this, especially as we've not met before. (I guess at some point I should explain the whole situation.) Compound it with how both our lives went hectic right as I was collared, plus the different work schedules, and the fact my training has really only been in an online capacity, and you have "hard". But hells, I'd rather have it start out hard than go for a few years and then run up against problems. I know over time there probably will be problems every so often, but at least this is a good testing ground for those later on.
But I do really like those cuffs. :)
Last night, Master had me wear the wrist and ankle cuffs he sent me while we watched two of the episodes. The ankle cuffs were locked, though the wrist ones weren't. (I was too afraid I'd not be able to get out of them, and sitting there naked and bound by myself when having to call for 911 to come help me? You know I begged him not to have me lock the wrists!) About halfway through, he asked me how they felt. And to be honest, I really liked them. The ankle ones, especially, because they are soft but strong, and felt to me the same as if his hands were wrapped around my ankles, holding them in place. Even though he wasn't here, it was almost as if he was. And it was nice.
Yes, it's hard to completely feel submission over distance like this, especially as we've not met before. (I guess at some point I should explain the whole situation.) Compound it with how both our lives went hectic right as I was collared, plus the different work schedules, and the fact my training has really only been in an online capacity, and you have "hard". But hells, I'd rather have it start out hard than go for a few years and then run up against problems. I know over time there probably will be problems every so often, but at least this is a good testing ground for those later on.
But I do really like those cuffs. :)
Monday, June 21, 2010
Summer Term
Today begins the summer 2010 term at my college. Slowly but surely I am plodding my way to my AA degree, then on to a BA. This summer, I am taking Art History. It's part of the requirements for my concentration, plus it's interesting. Writing-intensive, too, which I like.
One of the things I really appreciate about Master is that I have yet to hear him question my choice of classes. He is very supportive and encouraging, which is wonderful, but doesn't pull the "Why don't you go for a business degree so you can make more money?" thing. I have no interest in a business degree. I don't want to wind up in a career I have no interest in, and find dull and stifling. I don't care how much money I would supposedly make. (To be honest, I wouldn't make much, because I wouldn't care about my work.)
And that seems fine with him. He cares about my learning, not so much about my earning. Who knows, too... what I am learning might just wind up turning into a good, profitable business someday, too. Maybe a few books written and published. Maybe a teaching degree at some point, if I decide to go that way.
For now, I need to make an A in this class, to offset the complete goat rope that happened last semester!
One of the things I really appreciate about Master is that I have yet to hear him question my choice of classes. He is very supportive and encouraging, which is wonderful, but doesn't pull the "Why don't you go for a business degree so you can make more money?" thing. I have no interest in a business degree. I don't want to wind up in a career I have no interest in, and find dull and stifling. I don't care how much money I would supposedly make. (To be honest, I wouldn't make much, because I wouldn't care about my work.)
And that seems fine with him. He cares about my learning, not so much about my earning. Who knows, too... what I am learning might just wind up turning into a good, profitable business someday, too. Maybe a few books written and published. Maybe a teaching degree at some point, if I decide to go that way.
For now, I need to make an A in this class, to offset the complete goat rope that happened last semester!
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Within Fortune Cookies
Around the end of February, I had a huge taste for Chinese delivery. Love the stuff. Better than pizza by far. (Delivery guy is cuter, too!) I took to saving my little fortunes, just like I used to when I was a kid. I mean, who knows when they might prove true, right?
This one week, I got the same fortune twice, which is odd even for me.: Remember three months from this date. Good things are in store for you. I think hey, you never know... so I save these fortunes, wondering what in the world could be so cool as to fulfill that in three months.
Three months later I was collared by my Master.
Just now, waiting for my bath to fill (disgustingly hot again today, so I am going to soak), I open a fortune cookie from Panda Express I got yesterday. A partnership shall prove successful for you.
Maybe I should play these lottery numbers on the backs of the slips...
This one week, I got the same fortune twice, which is odd even for me.: Remember three months from this date. Good things are in store for you. I think hey, you never know... so I save these fortunes, wondering what in the world could be so cool as to fulfill that in three months.
Three months later I was collared by my Master.
Just now, waiting for my bath to fill (disgustingly hot again today, so I am going to soak), I open a fortune cookie from Panda Express I got yesterday. A partnership shall prove successful for you.
Maybe I should play these lottery numbers on the backs of the slips...
Friday, June 18, 2010
Really, I Am Going To Do Housework!
Yes, I am.
Just as soon as I get rid of this headache.
You better believe I can be a weenie. A big ole ballpark frank - I plump up all juicy when I feel the need to be more of a weenie than a regular hot dog.
I have friends who deal with so much more physically than I could imagine, and they push and push and get what they need to get done, done. I am embarrassed to admit I still find "reasons" to loll around and not clean the apartment, not do laundry, not wash the dishes. (And yet that embarrassment still isn't always enough to get me up off my tush and moving.)
I think I am allergic to sweating in the heat. (And that's only half a joke there, too.)
But yes, as soon as this headache goes away completely, I am going to at least take out the trash. Then I might do some dishes, and wash the sheets on my bed. I don't go to work for quite a few hours yet, so I should have enough time to do all this. Oh, and perhaps vacuum as well. My cat sheds enough fur to knit a scarf each time I pet her, so I can imagine how many layers of kitty hair are woven into the carpets since I vacuumed last week!
I do have to say I am thankful Master understands all this, too. Well, the fact he hates melting heat as well helps in that department! It would definitely be different if I lived with him and was neglecting all of this... of course, if I was living with him, there would be that nifty thing called air conditioning, too. with frigid air flowing into all the rooms, I wouldn't be worried about falling over in a heat-induced faint, right?
And guess what? Through the miracle of little green see-through pills with Advil stamped in white across them, I am no longer feeling the tightness nor pain of the nasty headache monster. Out goes the trash now!
Just as soon as I get rid of this headache.
You better believe I can be a weenie. A big ole ballpark frank - I plump up all juicy when I feel the need to be more of a weenie than a regular hot dog.
I have friends who deal with so much more physically than I could imagine, and they push and push and get what they need to get done, done. I am embarrassed to admit I still find "reasons" to loll around and not clean the apartment, not do laundry, not wash the dishes. (And yet that embarrassment still isn't always enough to get me up off my tush and moving.)
I think I am allergic to sweating in the heat. (And that's only half a joke there, too.)
But yes, as soon as this headache goes away completely, I am going to at least take out the trash. Then I might do some dishes, and wash the sheets on my bed. I don't go to work for quite a few hours yet, so I should have enough time to do all this. Oh, and perhaps vacuum as well. My cat sheds enough fur to knit a scarf each time I pet her, so I can imagine how many layers of kitty hair are woven into the carpets since I vacuumed last week!
I do have to say I am thankful Master understands all this, too. Well, the fact he hates melting heat as well helps in that department! It would definitely be different if I lived with him and was neglecting all of this... of course, if I was living with him, there would be that nifty thing called air conditioning, too. with frigid air flowing into all the rooms, I wouldn't be worried about falling over in a heat-induced faint, right?
And guess what? Through the miracle of little green see-through pills with Advil stamped in white across them, I am no longer feeling the tightness nor pain of the nasty headache monster. Out goes the trash now!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Because He Said
Master said he would like for me to write an entry in this journal today. You know how it is, though... "Write about what?" I ask him. "Anything," he replies. Thoughts, observations, anything about being a slave.
I said all I could think about right now was how hot it is.
So..... Yes, it is hot. It seems the thermometer is stuck at 97* for hours and hours upon end. (Last night I went to bed with those blue ice packs from the freezer hovering around my body on the bed. Don't laugh - it worked! Well, especially after I put one under the back of my neck and laid back on the pillow...)
This kind of weather wilts me. I have no energy, and my brain feels like Malt-O-Meal when I try to think. How I am actually getting all this out onto e-paper is beyond me. Maybe the writer in me is much more willful than anything else. There are certain things Master wants me to do each day, and to be honest, this heat just gives me the attitude of "meh, maybe later... maybe lots later". Really good slave-like thinking, right? *rolls eyes*
Kneeling for a set amount of time doesn't seem too bad, right? Even in front of a fan? It probably wouldn't be, if I was actually used to it. I am still getting there, though. I weigh a lot more than I did when I used to plop onto the floor and kneel to read something, or watch television, or play a board game. It hurts now, and though I know it's go away someday, it hurts right now. Whining? You bet. But I do it. The fact that the pain and the going to sleep of limbs makes it uncomfortable, and for some reason the discomfort makes my body hot (and not in a good way), makes me really dread doing it. I don't want to. Hot and ouchie are not two of my favorite feelings.
I am trying to be much better at watching cash flow and what I eat, only without the air conditioner working and no window in the kitchen, do you really think I want to cook in there? Hells, I don't even want to go in there. (Neither does my cat!) I also don't want to do house cleaning, and launder my clothes only when I realize I have no more clean things to wear.
I am supposed to be writing something for his project online, but with mush-brain, I can't think of what to write, can't make my fingers really work on the keyboard... I just want to be completely lazy and go back in the bedroom and sleep until September.
All these things will wind up getting done, yes. And when the air conditioning is finally fixed, it will be much better, and I know it. It's just a struggle right now with the heat and a few other things left unmentioned in my life to make myself do what he wants me to do. It's not that I don't want to... it's that I don't want to in this heat and this tiredness and all this complete blah. I feel like just pulling away sometimes and shutting down until it's more comfortable for me.
Which, of course, is the wrong attitude and what I am ultimately struggling with right now. I'm a tough cookie (or so I try to put out), and I'll fight through it. But damn, it's not a fight I thought I would have to take on so soon.
I said all I could think about right now was how hot it is.
So..... Yes, it is hot. It seems the thermometer is stuck at 97* for hours and hours upon end. (Last night I went to bed with those blue ice packs from the freezer hovering around my body on the bed. Don't laugh - it worked! Well, especially after I put one under the back of my neck and laid back on the pillow...)
This kind of weather wilts me. I have no energy, and my brain feels like Malt-O-Meal when I try to think. How I am actually getting all this out onto e-paper is beyond me. Maybe the writer in me is much more willful than anything else. There are certain things Master wants me to do each day, and to be honest, this heat just gives me the attitude of "meh, maybe later... maybe lots later". Really good slave-like thinking, right? *rolls eyes*
Kneeling for a set amount of time doesn't seem too bad, right? Even in front of a fan? It probably wouldn't be, if I was actually used to it. I am still getting there, though. I weigh a lot more than I did when I used to plop onto the floor and kneel to read something, or watch television, or play a board game. It hurts now, and though I know it's go away someday, it hurts right now. Whining? You bet. But I do it. The fact that the pain and the going to sleep of limbs makes it uncomfortable, and for some reason the discomfort makes my body hot (and not in a good way), makes me really dread doing it. I don't want to. Hot and ouchie are not two of my favorite feelings.
I am trying to be much better at watching cash flow and what I eat, only without the air conditioner working and no window in the kitchen, do you really think I want to cook in there? Hells, I don't even want to go in there. (Neither does my cat!) I also don't want to do house cleaning, and launder my clothes only when I realize I have no more clean things to wear.
I am supposed to be writing something for his project online, but with mush-brain, I can't think of what to write, can't make my fingers really work on the keyboard... I just want to be completely lazy and go back in the bedroom and sleep until September.
All these things will wind up getting done, yes. And when the air conditioning is finally fixed, it will be much better, and I know it. It's just a struggle right now with the heat and a few other things left unmentioned in my life to make myself do what he wants me to do. It's not that I don't want to... it's that I don't want to in this heat and this tiredness and all this complete blah. I feel like just pulling away sometimes and shutting down until it's more comfortable for me.
Which, of course, is the wrong attitude and what I am ultimately struggling with right now. I'm a tough cookie (or so I try to put out), and I'll fight through it. But damn, it's not a fight I thought I would have to take on so soon.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Cabot! Cabot! Cabot!
This is a GREAT review! If you haven't seen this movie courtesy Mystery Science Theater 3000, I highly suggest you do.
http://www.monstershack.net/sp/index.php/outlaw-of-gor-1989/
http://www.monstershack.net/sp/index.php/outlaw-of-gor-1989/
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Exhaustion
When I am exhausted, it's hard for me to think, let alone think clearly. The reaction time in my brain slows to the point it seems to be dragging through a river of molasses. (I wish I could say "molasses in January", but it's too hot for my brain to even slow that much!) And when I can't think clearly, I don't feel myself the best slave nor the best companion (not to be confused with Companion). I hate when this happens, but I know it's something that will happen from time to time in my life.
I feel the weight of all the things I still have to do for the day on my head, but don't have the energy to even begin them. Coffee helps, thank goodness, and my taste for iced coffee that was developed when I lived in New York takes away the problem of more heat. Thankfully, Master understands all of this. I just have to tell him what is wrong, and he adds that into the equation. Hells, I don't even have to tell him most of the time - he can tell by the way I speak or type, not to mention the fact he knows how little sleep I've had these past few days.
I've been sent off to take a cool soak, and am finishing this entry while a bit of warmer water is drawn into the bath. (I like starting it warm, and then letting cool water splash over my toes, lowering the temperature and cooling me off without making me cringe.) The third in a series of Pride and Prejudice books by Pamela Aiden awaits me... ooh, Mr. Darcy! After that, I need to buckle down, as my Mom says, and plow through the stacked up homework and tests and all. Books for the summer semester still need to be ordered, trash should be taken to the Dumpster, and I have an inworld class to finish writing. I suppose being this busy is much better than being bored!
I feel the weight of all the things I still have to do for the day on my head, but don't have the energy to even begin them. Coffee helps, thank goodness, and my taste for iced coffee that was developed when I lived in New York takes away the problem of more heat. Thankfully, Master understands all of this. I just have to tell him what is wrong, and he adds that into the equation. Hells, I don't even have to tell him most of the time - he can tell by the way I speak or type, not to mention the fact he knows how little sleep I've had these past few days.
I've been sent off to take a cool soak, and am finishing this entry while a bit of warmer water is drawn into the bath. (I like starting it warm, and then letting cool water splash over my toes, lowering the temperature and cooling me off without making me cringe.) The third in a series of Pride and Prejudice books by Pamela Aiden awaits me... ooh, Mr. Darcy! After that, I need to buckle down, as my Mom says, and plow through the stacked up homework and tests and all. Books for the summer semester still need to be ordered, trash should be taken to the Dumpster, and I have an inworld class to finish writing. I suppose being this busy is much better than being bored!
Of Birthdays And Homework
His birthday was yesterday. I had hoped to get a few things off in the mail to him in time, but you know how life can be. Another hope: that his day ended on a better note than it began.
I am lucky in many different ways, not the least being Master's encouragement regarding my continuing education. I have a ton of makeup work to do before mid-week, thanks to computer crashes and glitches and unforeseen bits, and not only has he supplied me with the tools to fix the problems, but he is pushing me along. Would I push myself to finish all this normally? Yes. But there is an added layer of felt responsibility, of need to not disappoint, that goes along with everything now. He wants me to succeed; he wants me to finish; he wants to see my GPA continue to float in the higher levels. And I don't want to hear disappointment in his voice, or see it in his eyes. I don't want to be the cause of that.
So, yes. My Sunday "off" will be spent doing a lot of work I have already done, and a lot more I missed thanks to the snafus. But it is worth every moment of it.
I am lucky in many different ways, not the least being Master's encouragement regarding my continuing education. I have a ton of makeup work to do before mid-week, thanks to computer crashes and glitches and unforeseen bits, and not only has he supplied me with the tools to fix the problems, but he is pushing me along. Would I push myself to finish all this normally? Yes. But there is an added layer of felt responsibility, of need to not disappoint, that goes along with everything now. He wants me to succeed; he wants me to finish; he wants to see my GPA continue to float in the higher levels. And I don't want to hear disappointment in his voice, or see it in his eyes. I don't want to be the cause of that.
So, yes. My Sunday "off" will be spent doing a lot of work I have already done, and a lot more I missed thanks to the snafus. But it is worth every moment of it.
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