Sometimes, you don't take the advice of your close friends, no matter how well-meaning and sincere they are.
Sometimes, you swallow what pride you might have left.
Sometimes, you take another chance on that feeling coming back.
Sometimes you have to be there, no matter what.
And sometimes it might be what you were supposed to do after all.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Beautiful Day
It is an absolutely beautiful day outside today! The temperature, at least about an hour ago, was amazingly perfect, not a cloud in the sky, a cool breeze and warm sun... it feels like winter in Southern California!
I am going to get dressed and brush out my hair, then go down to St. Joseph's Cathedral to light a few candles for something very special. Perhaps after that I will go to Lake Hefner, or go find the Martin Nature Park. I had thought yesterday of perhaps visiting what I still refer to as the Cowboy Hall of Fame, but that might be best saved for a day that's not quite so amazing and begging for one to be outside.
A few more days until school begins. Though I am disappointed there doesn't seem to be an ebook for my history class, I am very happy to be taking another class from Mr. Van. Hey, any professor who will gleefully direct students to the best burritos in the South Bay has my vote!
I am going to get dressed and brush out my hair, then go down to St. Joseph's Cathedral to light a few candles for something very special. Perhaps after that I will go to Lake Hefner, or go find the Martin Nature Park. I had thought yesterday of perhaps visiting what I still refer to as the Cowboy Hall of Fame, but that might be best saved for a day that's not quite so amazing and begging for one to be outside.
A few more days until school begins. Though I am disappointed there doesn't seem to be an ebook for my history class, I am very happy to be taking another class from Mr. Van. Hey, any professor who will gleefully direct students to the best burritos in the South Bay has my vote!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Quitting
I am quitting smoking again. Yes, I started back up during the oh-so-fun turbulence of a couple weeks ago, and even found myself smoking one and a half to two packs of cigarettes daily. I finished the last pack Monday morning, and went cold turkey (again).
Am I cranky? Oh, yes. Pissy? Hells, yes. Does poor Master get to hear my moodiness? Yup. he sure does, poor man. I've been trying to not lash out at all, but it happens... a lot more than I would wish it to. He's even gone so far as to tell me that if I need a cigarette, go buy some. I hate to say it, but that would be the wrong way for me to go about things. I can't just taper down on cigarettes - it has to be either I am smoking or I am not smoking. Tapering down only affords me opportunity to cheat and smoke more.
I don't need to spend the money on cigarettes... they are almost $6.00 a pack after taxes right now. I don't need to walk around smelling like an ashtray, which I know I do. I sure don't need to put Master through all this crankiness again... he really doesn't deserve it. And Master doesn't like the smell of cigarettes, and he wants me safe and healthy. I want that, too, so I can drive him crazy in a lot of other, more amusing ways for a lot longer. :)
Am I cranky? Oh, yes. Pissy? Hells, yes. Does poor Master get to hear my moodiness? Yup. he sure does, poor man. I've been trying to not lash out at all, but it happens... a lot more than I would wish it to. He's even gone so far as to tell me that if I need a cigarette, go buy some. I hate to say it, but that would be the wrong way for me to go about things. I can't just taper down on cigarettes - it has to be either I am smoking or I am not smoking. Tapering down only affords me opportunity to cheat and smoke more.
I don't need to spend the money on cigarettes... they are almost $6.00 a pack after taxes right now. I don't need to walk around smelling like an ashtray, which I know I do. I sure don't need to put Master through all this crankiness again... he really doesn't deserve it. And Master doesn't like the smell of cigarettes, and he wants me safe and healthy. I want that, too, so I can drive him crazy in a lot of other, more amusing ways for a lot longer. :)
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Tumbling Through Rough Times
These past few weeks have been a roller coaster ride of epic proportions. Most of the time, I didn't know whether I was losing my Master or if he would keep me. It was nothing I had done or failed to do... I do need to get that out there. Instead it was a clashing mixture of outside influences, and one influence in particular that neither I nor Master should have really allowed to come inside.
It is over and done with, though. (Can you hear the huge sigh of relief from my end?) That influence is still trying to be "influential", but days for that are numbered low. Our relationship is sauntering back into the way it was. With a few bumps in the road, of course, but those are being dealt with as they come.
Master is an absolutely wonderful man, a rock and a centering strength. He knows this... even in these tough times, he does know this. I know it has been very difficult on him, and I certainly haven't always been the epitome of grace and beauty he should be able to expect of me. Still, he has handled everything (including me!) very well.
And as I told him when the sun began lighting the horizon as all of this horribleness ended: If we can make it through all of this, we can certainly make it through anything!
It is over and done with, though. (Can you hear the huge sigh of relief from my end?) That influence is still trying to be "influential", but days for that are numbered low. Our relationship is sauntering back into the way it was. With a few bumps in the road, of course, but those are being dealt with as they come.
Master is an absolutely wonderful man, a rock and a centering strength. He knows this... even in these tough times, he does know this. I know it has been very difficult on him, and I certainly haven't always been the epitome of grace and beauty he should be able to expect of me. Still, he has handled everything (including me!) very well.
And as I told him when the sun began lighting the horizon as all of this horribleness ended: If we can make it through all of this, we can certainly make it through anything!
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Writing A Poem
I woke before four in the morning a few days ago, with this in my head. For some reason, I thought it worth saving, and sent it to Master. He loved it, and after finally rereading it today, I think it is rather good.
I woke too early this morning
To the silence of my bed
In the stillness of my room.
Everything of mine shimmered with emptiness.
Not mine.
My security is in your arms
as they wrap around my body.
My happiness is in your delight.
My safety is in your voice
as it guides me home to you.
I woke too early this morning
To the silence of my bed
In the stillness of my room.
Everything of mine shimmered with emptiness.
Not mine.
My security is in your arms
as they wrap around my body.
My happiness is in your delight.
My safety is in your voice
as it guides me home to you.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Laughing
All he said was "Hi, my darling girl"and I melted.
All the balled up fears of not being good enough and messing everything up and his deciding against keeping me all unclenched and rolled away with just that one sentence... just those four words.
Yes, I am a complete goof at times, and probably more prone to destroying good things with my frights than anything, but he is a good, good man, and he knows me already, and he knows how to diffuse my stupidbombs.
All the balled up fears of not being good enough and messing everything up and his deciding against keeping me all unclenched and rolled away with just that one sentence... just those four words.
Yes, I am a complete goof at times, and probably more prone to destroying good things with my frights than anything, but he is a good, good man, and he knows me already, and he knows how to diffuse my stupidbombs.
Miss Fix-It Fraks It All Up For You
I always want to make things "okay" for people. Fix the bad stuff, and make everything right again, so people can smile. And I hate when it isn't in my power to do that, because frak it, it should be something I can do. (At least that's how I feel, and it is frustrating when I can't.)
This morning at work, there was a couple in the breakfast area. She was in tears, and trying so hard to hold it together. He was in some camo outfit and obviously being deployed. She would stop, take deep breaths, or drink her coffee, or swallow hard, and she would seem to be fine for a bit... and then the tears would come again, and her grip on his hand would tighten, and there was nothing he could do but hold her hand and talk softly to her.
I just wanted to be able to wave a magic wand and make everything beautiful and safe for them, and I couldn't, of course.
Last night, an older man was pretty much abandoned at the hotel with no room, no credit card (it was in his friend's car), and no way home. The friend had told him to use the room at the hotel, but the key card didn't work. (Later it was discovered the "friend" was actually in the room with a woman, and had been all night.) Phone calls to the "friend" were first answered by promises that he was on his way... and later by just empty ringing. The poor man was simply beside himself, completely exhausted, and had nowhere to turn. I didn't know what else to do for him but to let him stay in the lobby until the thunderstorm stopped, so he could walk across the interstate to the truck stop and see if anyone there could give him a ride. I hated that there was nothing I could do.
I've now learned that this need to fix things and make everything better can't be applied to Master. In attempting to offer this a few days ago, I think I really offended him. I didn't mean to, and I think he knows I didn't, but I did anyway. When I tried to explain part of it, I think I deepened the offense. He hasn't said much about it, and I don't want to bring it up again after publishing this entry.
Now I feel farther away from him, and like there is this filthy cesspool inside my chest because I did something so amazingly, stupidly wrong and now, in trying to "fix" something, I broke something else even more, and now I can't fix that, either. Apparently I am not supposed to be the one fixing things, but I've felt it's been required of me for so many years, whether with someone or alone, that it is hard to let go. It's a knee-jerk reaction to circumstances, and I have to unlearn that, and fast.
And I guess I am terrified I won't be able to fast enough to do any good, and I won't be as much of what he wanted. I don't want him disappointed in me, or disgusted with me, or in any way unhappy. But if I can't manage to fix my fixing, he will be.
I don't know... this is just such a rambling post right now.
At least the weather isn't so horribly hot today.
***EDIT***
And yes, the thing in the breakfast room really got to me this morning. When they left, she followed him out the doors, carrying one of his bags over her shoulder, a determined look on her face. I couldn't do that, I don't think.
This morning at work, there was a couple in the breakfast area. She was in tears, and trying so hard to hold it together. He was in some camo outfit and obviously being deployed. She would stop, take deep breaths, or drink her coffee, or swallow hard, and she would seem to be fine for a bit... and then the tears would come again, and her grip on his hand would tighten, and there was nothing he could do but hold her hand and talk softly to her.
I just wanted to be able to wave a magic wand and make everything beautiful and safe for them, and I couldn't, of course.
Last night, an older man was pretty much abandoned at the hotel with no room, no credit card (it was in his friend's car), and no way home. The friend had told him to use the room at the hotel, but the key card didn't work. (Later it was discovered the "friend" was actually in the room with a woman, and had been all night.) Phone calls to the "friend" were first answered by promises that he was on his way... and later by just empty ringing. The poor man was simply beside himself, completely exhausted, and had nowhere to turn. I didn't know what else to do for him but to let him stay in the lobby until the thunderstorm stopped, so he could walk across the interstate to the truck stop and see if anyone there could give him a ride. I hated that there was nothing I could do.
I've now learned that this need to fix things and make everything better can't be applied to Master. In attempting to offer this a few days ago, I think I really offended him. I didn't mean to, and I think he knows I didn't, but I did anyway. When I tried to explain part of it, I think I deepened the offense. He hasn't said much about it, and I don't want to bring it up again after publishing this entry.
Now I feel farther away from him, and like there is this filthy cesspool inside my chest because I did something so amazingly, stupidly wrong and now, in trying to "fix" something, I broke something else even more, and now I can't fix that, either. Apparently I am not supposed to be the one fixing things, but I've felt it's been required of me for so many years, whether with someone or alone, that it is hard to let go. It's a knee-jerk reaction to circumstances, and I have to unlearn that, and fast.
And I guess I am terrified I won't be able to fast enough to do any good, and I won't be as much of what he wanted. I don't want him disappointed in me, or disgusted with me, or in any way unhappy. But if I can't manage to fix my fixing, he will be.
I don't know... this is just such a rambling post right now.
At least the weather isn't so horribly hot today.
***EDIT***
And yes, the thing in the breakfast room really got to me this morning. When they left, she followed him out the doors, carrying one of his bags over her shoulder, a determined look on her face. I couldn't do that, I don't think.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Choking On Air
Nope, not the fun, wonderful, bone-shivering type of choking, when my brain stops my breath simply because my throat feels the brush of his hand against it.
This is a mixture of the still-new weight of the collar around my neck and the weight of the summer air outside. Have you ever had something pressing just under the cartilage of your throat, and just above the dip in your collarbone? That is what it feels like... an invisible, insubstantial something pressing against that part, tensing muscles and making it so very hard to breathe. (I get enough oxygen, yes... it just feels as though I am being choked.
It happens outdoors, mainly. My apartment, thanks to Aimee's air conditioner, is much, much better now, and the cool air somehow helps keep the humidity in here at bay. Or maybe I just don't really notice it as much. I can step inside, and leave the pressing hand on the other side of my threshold. Usually.
Sometimes it hangs on, and is carried inside as well, still choking me, but not as intensely. When this happens, usually a puff on the inhaler (never far away here, though rarely used in California) is sufficient to make it break away and leave me in peace. Apparently, there will be the odd unfortunate time or two when even that won't be enough, and my brain will keep insisting to my muscles that I am being choked, and I need help nowww!!! That is what just happened, and the inspiration for this posting.
I know I am supposed to keep the collar on and locked unless I have permission to remove it, or in an emergency, of course. (Master ain't stupid, and neither am I!) I have extra keys; one remains in the purse at all times. This time, however, the inhaler wasn't doing enough, and my brain was in panic-overriding mode. After realizing this was what was happening, I grabbed the key from the purse, which is right next to me, and undid the screw, swinging it open enough to make my brain understand it needs to take a dose of Valium and calm down.
It worked. About thirty seconds later I could breathe normally, with only a few little catches still persisting. I locked the collar again, and put the key away. It never left my neck, and I didn't want it to. I didn't do anything but sit in my chair, calming my mind and breathing... gratefully breathing!
Should I have texted Master before loosening the lock and swinging the collar open, even the little bit I did? Yes, probably. I think that now, but at the time all I wanted was to get my throat to relax. If I was wrong, I was wrong. I will do things differently in the future.
But that huge sigh I just had sure felt good.
This is a mixture of the still-new weight of the collar around my neck and the weight of the summer air outside. Have you ever had something pressing just under the cartilage of your throat, and just above the dip in your collarbone? That is what it feels like... an invisible, insubstantial something pressing against that part, tensing muscles and making it so very hard to breathe. (I get enough oxygen, yes... it just feels as though I am being choked.
It happens outdoors, mainly. My apartment, thanks to Aimee's air conditioner, is much, much better now, and the cool air somehow helps keep the humidity in here at bay. Or maybe I just don't really notice it as much. I can step inside, and leave the pressing hand on the other side of my threshold. Usually.
Sometimes it hangs on, and is carried inside as well, still choking me, but not as intensely. When this happens, usually a puff on the inhaler (never far away here, though rarely used in California) is sufficient to make it break away and leave me in peace. Apparently, there will be the odd unfortunate time or two when even that won't be enough, and my brain will keep insisting to my muscles that I am being choked, and I need help nowww!!! That is what just happened, and the inspiration for this posting.
I know I am supposed to keep the collar on and locked unless I have permission to remove it, or in an emergency, of course. (Master ain't stupid, and neither am I!) I have extra keys; one remains in the purse at all times. This time, however, the inhaler wasn't doing enough, and my brain was in panic-overriding mode. After realizing this was what was happening, I grabbed the key from the purse, which is right next to me, and undid the screw, swinging it open enough to make my brain understand it needs to take a dose of Valium and calm down.
It worked. About thirty seconds later I could breathe normally, with only a few little catches still persisting. I locked the collar again, and put the key away. It never left my neck, and I didn't want it to. I didn't do anything but sit in my chair, calming my mind and breathing... gratefully breathing!
Should I have texted Master before loosening the lock and swinging the collar open, even the little bit I did? Yes, probably. I think that now, but at the time all I wanted was to get my throat to relax. If I was wrong, I was wrong. I will do things differently in the future.
But that huge sigh I just had sure felt good.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
The Problem With Getting Healthy
I've wanted to lose weight and get healthier for a long time. Of course now I have a much more tangible reason than I had before, and that is good. I've been cutting out the fast food, eating more fruits, veggies, nuts and all, and finding myself with more energy. Not that I am about to power a small city with it yet -- I doubt I could power a bicycle up a steep hill right now! But this energy has me awake right now and wanting to do things, like clean the house and go run around and do errands.
Problem? Master is one time zone later than I. He is also farther north. That means that for him, the sun has set, he is heading to bed, he will want to go to sleep within a couple hours. but for me? The sun is still out, and will be for just under an hour. The birds are still chirping, and I have dishes to do, a late dinner to make for myself, and sort of wondering if there's anyplace to go shoot pool on a Tuesday night.
Instead, I am going in to take a cool bath, and then go into bed to kick up Skype and talk with Master. Now, before anyone thinks I am complaining about that, I am not. My body is a bit too bouncy right now, still wanting to go out and play... but I am not complaining about spending time with him.
I just wish there was an energy saver button somewhere on me, so I could kick it into lower gear for just a bit this evening.
Problem? Master is one time zone later than I. He is also farther north. That means that for him, the sun has set, he is heading to bed, he will want to go to sleep within a couple hours. but for me? The sun is still out, and will be for just under an hour. The birds are still chirping, and I have dishes to do, a late dinner to make for myself, and sort of wondering if there's anyplace to go shoot pool on a Tuesday night.
Instead, I am going in to take a cool bath, and then go into bed to kick up Skype and talk with Master. Now, before anyone thinks I am complaining about that, I am not. My body is a bit too bouncy right now, still wanting to go out and play... but I am not complaining about spending time with him.
I just wish there was an energy saver button somewhere on me, so I could kick it into lower gear for just a bit this evening.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
This Weight Around My Neck
On Thursday afternoon, the second collar arrived. The second, because the first was really too tight to wear safely or comfortably (though I hope to lose enough weight in a healthy manner so that it fits perfectly!), and this one is a bit larger. Master has me in a Turian-style collar right now, one that is a tube of metal encircling the neck, hinged on one side and screw-locked on the other, resting on the collarbone.
I wore it all day yesterday until I had to go to work. Wore it on the way to work, took it off and placed it in the purse he gave me for my shift, then replaced it around my neck as soon as I got back in the car. That I did because he wanted me to. I slept in it last night, taking it off on my own only when I bathed (and that was in part because the weight was beginning to give me a bit of a headache), and kept it on all day and night until I had to come to work at 11:00pm.
11:50pm, and I had this urge to put it on again. Not horrible, and not overwhelming, but strong enough to just want to go to the purse and take the stainless steel hoop and swing it closed around my neck, screwing the tiny screw into its hole to lock the hinge shut. I smiled as I felt the weight rest on my neck and collarbone, and went to help more guests.
Over an hour later I write this, and I am found smiling. It's that little, secret-type content smile women sometimes have, the one that's so difficult to explain... but when you see it, you understand completely.
This collar is comforting, warm with love, solid with reality. For now there is no leash, but someday soon I will hear the soft clinking of small chains cascading between my neck and his fingers. I can hardly wait, but I can wait, as well. I am just grateful to be his.
(and no, not said because he reads this! *laffs*)
I wore it all day yesterday until I had to go to work. Wore it on the way to work, took it off and placed it in the purse he gave me for my shift, then replaced it around my neck as soon as I got back in the car. That I did because he wanted me to. I slept in it last night, taking it off on my own only when I bathed (and that was in part because the weight was beginning to give me a bit of a headache), and kept it on all day and night until I had to come to work at 11:00pm.
11:50pm, and I had this urge to put it on again. Not horrible, and not overwhelming, but strong enough to just want to go to the purse and take the stainless steel hoop and swing it closed around my neck, screwing the tiny screw into its hole to lock the hinge shut. I smiled as I felt the weight rest on my neck and collarbone, and went to help more guests.
Over an hour later I write this, and I am found smiling. It's that little, secret-type content smile women sometimes have, the one that's so difficult to explain... but when you see it, you understand completely.
This collar is comforting, warm with love, solid with reality. For now there is no leash, but someday soon I will hear the soft clinking of small chains cascading between my neck and his fingers. I can hardly wait, but I can wait, as well. I am just grateful to be his.
(and no, not said because he reads this! *laffs*)
Monday, July 5, 2010
Crankies
I was no fun to be around yesterday. The day before wasn't the speefiest, either, lemme tell ya. One of the good things about having known Master for so many years as a friend is that I feel entirely comfortable railing at him and letting him know how I feel (GRRR!) Of course, one of the bad things is that very same thing, too. He sure doesn't deserve me in my cranky, grumpy state.
Finally last night, he sent me to bed. He knew what I sort of knew (but didn't want to admit, really) - I needed sleep, and not just a couple hours and then back up to work or do homework or go help the parents. I needed a good night's sleep. this morning he said he never wants to see that again... and I assured him he most likely will.
I will get tired, and then I will get more tired. I will keep pushing myself and not allowing myself to really sleep. A little nap now and then, but that's it. Then come the crankies on top of the crankies, as I try and try to forge ahead and get the things done I need to do. Of course I can't, or barely can, because I am too tired to concentrate. This makes me more frustrated and crankier, and it is just a horrid, never-ending circle until real sleep breaks it open. Oh, yes, I know it's bad for me. Bad for my mental and my physical health. I still do it.
This time, it was work and work and lots of homework, and parents calling and wanting me to come over at the last minute to clean up the house, even though I still had a ton of homework and had to work two graveyard shift so needed to sleep at some point. I didn't get much sleep at all - like only a few hours for the weekend - and felt badly pressured for the homework and the house cleaning... and this isn't even mentioning my own housekeeping needs. I am very well aware that it comes off as being extremely selfish, and I really hate that. Hells, I was going to go over to the parents' house early this morning, but sudden inspiration struck and I knew I needed to harness it for my homework or lose it forever. I have called them and told them I will be there early tomorrow morning. Apparently they will have things for me to go pick up tomorrow at noon, and again tomorrow evening. That's fine. I just need to make sure my homework and all is done.
Please notice this also leaves no real time for my Master. Not a good thing at all.
And now I am going to shower and get ready for work again. Wednesday I believe I have a dinner "date" with a girlfriend of mine. other than that, we'll see.
Finally last night, he sent me to bed. He knew what I sort of knew (but didn't want to admit, really) - I needed sleep, and not just a couple hours and then back up to work or do homework or go help the parents. I needed a good night's sleep. this morning he said he never wants to see that again... and I assured him he most likely will.
I will get tired, and then I will get more tired. I will keep pushing myself and not allowing myself to really sleep. A little nap now and then, but that's it. Then come the crankies on top of the crankies, as I try and try to forge ahead and get the things done I need to do. Of course I can't, or barely can, because I am too tired to concentrate. This makes me more frustrated and crankier, and it is just a horrid, never-ending circle until real sleep breaks it open. Oh, yes, I know it's bad for me. Bad for my mental and my physical health. I still do it.
This time, it was work and work and lots of homework, and parents calling and wanting me to come over at the last minute to clean up the house, even though I still had a ton of homework and had to work two graveyard shift so needed to sleep at some point. I didn't get much sleep at all - like only a few hours for the weekend - and felt badly pressured for the homework and the house cleaning... and this isn't even mentioning my own housekeeping needs. I am very well aware that it comes off as being extremely selfish, and I really hate that. Hells, I was going to go over to the parents' house early this morning, but sudden inspiration struck and I knew I needed to harness it for my homework or lose it forever. I have called them and told them I will be there early tomorrow morning. Apparently they will have things for me to go pick up tomorrow at noon, and again tomorrow evening. That's fine. I just need to make sure my homework and all is done.
Please notice this also leaves no real time for my Master. Not a good thing at all.
And now I am going to shower and get ready for work again. Wednesday I believe I have a dinner "date" with a girlfriend of mine. other than that, we'll see.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Just Things
Silly me. I blog yesterday about cutting back on the cigarettes, and what does Master do? Of course... he forbids me cigarettes for three days. (Meaning tomorrow around 10am I can beg him permission to smoke another one. Do I really think he will give permission? Probably not. As he reminded me when I teased him about that, it's his choice whether he does or not.)
Right now, I have written and erased a few different things for this second paragraph. He added a new blog entry to my task list for today, but I don't really seem to have anything to write about at this point. I feel a little burned out, I guess. Not with the relationship or anything like that, no! Just with all the running around and knowing I have two chapters of work due for class this week, working, cleaning the apartment, trying to take better care of myself... all of that. Right now, I really would love to go back into the bedroom and sleep for three... four... five hours or so. I would love to not have to go in to work late tonight, then stay there all night until after the dawn.
Hells, I would love to be with him right now, getting him coffee or tea or ice water. Fixing his dinner. Washing his clothes for the holiday weekend. Anything! Just so long as it centered around him. So long as it was something that would make him happy, or at least make his life a bit easier.
This entry gets to be cut short, though, as he is sending me to bed for a nap right now.
Right now, I have written and erased a few different things for this second paragraph. He added a new blog entry to my task list for today, but I don't really seem to have anything to write about at this point. I feel a little burned out, I guess. Not with the relationship or anything like that, no! Just with all the running around and knowing I have two chapters of work due for class this week, working, cleaning the apartment, trying to take better care of myself... all of that. Right now, I really would love to go back into the bedroom and sleep for three... four... five hours or so. I would love to not have to go in to work late tonight, then stay there all night until after the dawn.
Hells, I would love to be with him right now, getting him coffee or tea or ice water. Fixing his dinner. Washing his clothes for the holiday weekend. Anything! Just so long as it centered around him. So long as it was something that would make him happy, or at least make his life a bit easier.
This entry gets to be cut short, though, as he is sending me to bed for a nap right now.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Struggles
Right now, I want a cigarette. I have eaten too much Chinese food, but keep wanting to eat more because I don't have a cigarette. A cigarette is like the period at the end of a sentence: it tells you when to stop reading... or in this case, when to stop eating.
I went out this morning and walked for thirty minutes. I am completely ashamed of that - when I lived in California, I walked nearly every day, simply because it was a good mode of transportation. The weather was almost always fine, the shops and restaurants and grocer's and post office were all within walking distance, and there were always tons of things to take photos of. I stopped walking very much after I moved here in January. No winter clothes (hell, no autumn clothes, either!) helped see to that in the snow and ice storms that were occurring here. The public transportation here is practically nil, so it was a bit rare for me to go explore somewhere on one of the better-weather days. As a result, my first two months here saw me gain 23 pounds. I was already fighting my weight to begin with, and the past year of unemployment really saw a surge on the scale.
A few months ago, I started smoking cigarettes again. It really did help me lose some weight, and I got back down to 210 as of two weeks ago. But their effectiveness has been wearing off a bit, or I have just become more nervous again and anxiety-filled, and the weight has most likely shot up recently. (I don't know, as I don't have the balls to step on a scale right now.)
A huge part of the reason I remained so sedentary even after the weather warmed up was that my air conditioning didn't work in the apartment. I now have a window unit, and it works well. So why am I still acting like a slug?
Maybe it's because when I do try to do things, I am even more aware of how little I can do anymore. I know I have to keep trying and working at it to get back to how I was, but it's... I don't know.
And maybe it's the last ditch effort of my subconscious or something, trying to insulate me from any potential heartbreak, even though I honestly don't see heartbreak happening this time. Something inside me that really doesn't believe I deserve the man I seem to have wound up with. After all, look at the parade of mis-matches and losers in the past? So maybe if I remain all hideous-looking, I can make sure he really doesn't want me and...
Pfft. And that is the lack of nicotine talking, really. I know better. And if he wants me to change after we meet, then he will definitely tell me. Hells, at least I won't smell like an old man bar near the end of winter! That is, if I can keep myself from smoking.
I went out this morning and walked for thirty minutes. I am completely ashamed of that - when I lived in California, I walked nearly every day, simply because it was a good mode of transportation. The weather was almost always fine, the shops and restaurants and grocer's and post office were all within walking distance, and there were always tons of things to take photos of. I stopped walking very much after I moved here in January. No winter clothes (hell, no autumn clothes, either!) helped see to that in the snow and ice storms that were occurring here. The public transportation here is practically nil, so it was a bit rare for me to go explore somewhere on one of the better-weather days. As a result, my first two months here saw me gain 23 pounds. I was already fighting my weight to begin with, and the past year of unemployment really saw a surge on the scale.
A few months ago, I started smoking cigarettes again. It really did help me lose some weight, and I got back down to 210 as of two weeks ago. But their effectiveness has been wearing off a bit, or I have just become more nervous again and anxiety-filled, and the weight has most likely shot up recently. (I don't know, as I don't have the balls to step on a scale right now.)
A huge part of the reason I remained so sedentary even after the weather warmed up was that my air conditioning didn't work in the apartment. I now have a window unit, and it works well. So why am I still acting like a slug?
Maybe it's because when I do try to do things, I am even more aware of how little I can do anymore. I know I have to keep trying and working at it to get back to how I was, but it's... I don't know.
And maybe it's the last ditch effort of my subconscious or something, trying to insulate me from any potential heartbreak, even though I honestly don't see heartbreak happening this time. Something inside me that really doesn't believe I deserve the man I seem to have wound up with. After all, look at the parade of mis-matches and losers in the past? So maybe if I remain all hideous-looking, I can make sure he really doesn't want me and...
Pfft. And that is the lack of nicotine talking, really. I know better. And if he wants me to change after we meet, then he will definitely tell me. Hells, at least I won't smell like an old man bar near the end of winter! That is, if I can keep myself from smoking.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Museums
Master wants me to go out and have fun today. Go to a museum, go run some errands to the market and all. (Right now, I am downloading the latest patch for World of Warcraft and plan on playing for an hour or so before vacuuming, doing the dishes, and tidying up a bit more.) None of the museums open for about another hour, and I am still trying to figure out which one to go see.
There is a "Sketch to Screen" exhibit at the Museum of Art, but that runs for another month. I really want to see it because they have the glasses Gregory Peck wore in To Kill A Mockingbird, one of my all-time favorite actors and favorite movies.
There is some infantry museum with (supposedly) a bunch of things from Hitler's bunker and house. Yes, I am morbidly fascinated with that, and with a lot of things involving WWII. (No, I am NOT a Nazi.)
Close to that is what I still think of as the Cowboy Hall of Fame, now renamed a more politically correct title. I would love to go there and see things I haven't seen since I was a child, and see what new things they have there.
Down in Norman at the university there is a lovely collection of art, but the car I use seems to need a bit of work, and I really don't want to take the chance. One of these days, though, I will get down there and check it out.
I know there are a few old houses around here that have been turned into museums, and I love things like that, too. I remember as a child how I loved when our parents took us to this mansion turned museum not too far north of there. It had two curved staircases, bedrooms and sitting rooms arranged in the way they were a century or so ago, and even a fountain in the solarium! The back doors were French doors, with slightly wavy glass, and they opened onto a huge sitting area (too large and fine to be called a porch) overlooking this huge walking garden. It looked as if it had come out of an Austen novel, but to me as a child, it was magical and a place I wished was home. When I moved back, I asked about it, only to discover the mansion had been sold to a private party, and "all" its artwork removed to the Museum of Art. Unfortunately, "all" seems only to have been some of the paintings. The furnishings and the atmosphere did not accompany them.
One of the places I absolutely adored in Los Angeles was the Armand Hammer Museum at UCLA. To stand directly in front of a Rembrandt and be able to stare at it so closely that you can see the runnels in the brush strokes where the brush hairs etched a pattern is amazing. Then for the reality to blossom in your mind, that this painting was created by hands that were warmed by the sun and by their own lifeblood four hundred years ago... it is the most profound experience.
It's funny, but most of these things I have experienced on my own. Now I think of things I have seen and enjoyed and marveled at, and I want to take Master's hand, gently tugging at him, begging him to come see all these things as well. I want to show him what I've seen and what I've known. I want to share what thoughts I've entertained in my odd little mind, and I want to know what he thinks and sees.
Anyway, while I wrote this, I somehow uninstalled all of World of Warcraft while trying to reinstall Burning Crusade. Now my CD-ROM drive doesn't want to open. I am posting this and rebooting, hoping that will fix everything.
And then? A shower, a healthy breakfast, writing a grocery list, and out the door I go!
There is a "Sketch to Screen" exhibit at the Museum of Art, but that runs for another month. I really want to see it because they have the glasses Gregory Peck wore in To Kill A Mockingbird, one of my all-time favorite actors and favorite movies.
There is some infantry museum with (supposedly) a bunch of things from Hitler's bunker and house. Yes, I am morbidly fascinated with that, and with a lot of things involving WWII. (No, I am NOT a Nazi.)
Close to that is what I still think of as the Cowboy Hall of Fame, now renamed a more politically correct title. I would love to go there and see things I haven't seen since I was a child, and see what new things they have there.
Down in Norman at the university there is a lovely collection of art, but the car I use seems to need a bit of work, and I really don't want to take the chance. One of these days, though, I will get down there and check it out.
I know there are a few old houses around here that have been turned into museums, and I love things like that, too. I remember as a child how I loved when our parents took us to this mansion turned museum not too far north of there. It had two curved staircases, bedrooms and sitting rooms arranged in the way they were a century or so ago, and even a fountain in the solarium! The back doors were French doors, with slightly wavy glass, and they opened onto a huge sitting area (too large and fine to be called a porch) overlooking this huge walking garden. It looked as if it had come out of an Austen novel, but to me as a child, it was magical and a place I wished was home. When I moved back, I asked about it, only to discover the mansion had been sold to a private party, and "all" its artwork removed to the Museum of Art. Unfortunately, "all" seems only to have been some of the paintings. The furnishings and the atmosphere did not accompany them.
One of the places I absolutely adored in Los Angeles was the Armand Hammer Museum at UCLA. To stand directly in front of a Rembrandt and be able to stare at it so closely that you can see the runnels in the brush strokes where the brush hairs etched a pattern is amazing. Then for the reality to blossom in your mind, that this painting was created by hands that were warmed by the sun and by their own lifeblood four hundred years ago... it is the most profound experience.
It's funny, but most of these things I have experienced on my own. Now I think of things I have seen and enjoyed and marveled at, and I want to take Master's hand, gently tugging at him, begging him to come see all these things as well. I want to show him what I've seen and what I've known. I want to share what thoughts I've entertained in my odd little mind, and I want to know what he thinks and sees.
Anyway, while I wrote this, I somehow uninstalled all of World of Warcraft while trying to reinstall Burning Crusade. Now my CD-ROM drive doesn't want to open. I am posting this and rebooting, hoping that will fix everything.
And then? A shower, a healthy breakfast, writing a grocery list, and out the door I go!
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Just The Day Today
Day off! Homework finished. Three loads of laundry in the washers downstairs. Trash bags filling up, and I am wondering how in the hell I can accumulate so much crap over the course of a week or two. New printer up and running, thank goodness.
One of the first things to be printed? Today's To Do list, minus the more personal "to dos" of course. Have I mentioned I am horrible at being organized for myself? I'm pretty sure I have. I am very "ooh, shiny!" when I am home, which doesn't help with housework. but if I can check things off on a checklist, if I can see my progress as I go along? I make a game out of it, and things get done. Yes, I know that sounds very childish. I don't really care - it's how I am.
Neener!
Bills paid - excellent! Some running around in the car about to be done!
Although I just realized I forgot something Master told me to do. He understands how it happened, but I get a "correction" anyway. Inside my head is that little kid, dragging her feet (literally!) because she really doesn't want to be punished. I'm trying to ignore her whining about this excuse and that... and sort of surprising myself that I can. No, I don't want punishment or whatever, even though it was a smallish infraction and the punishment shouldn't be severe at all. I just want it forgotten. (Of course, I am not around him, and he would never have known I forgot had I not told him. *laughs* The dynamic sure isn't weak!)
So now I go do some errandy things and come back and find out what's in store. Deal with it, and go on, hopefully not screwing up again... at least not for awhile!
One of the first things to be printed? Today's To Do list, minus the more personal "to dos" of course. Have I mentioned I am horrible at being organized for myself? I'm pretty sure I have. I am very "ooh, shiny!" when I am home, which doesn't help with housework. but if I can check things off on a checklist, if I can see my progress as I go along? I make a game out of it, and things get done. Yes, I know that sounds very childish. I don't really care - it's how I am.
Neener!
Bills paid - excellent! Some running around in the car about to be done!
Although I just realized I forgot something Master told me to do. He understands how it happened, but I get a "correction" anyway. Inside my head is that little kid, dragging her feet (literally!) because she really doesn't want to be punished. I'm trying to ignore her whining about this excuse and that... and sort of surprising myself that I can. No, I don't want punishment or whatever, even though it was a smallish infraction and the punishment shouldn't be severe at all. I just want it forgotten. (Of course, I am not around him, and he would never have known I forgot had I not told him. *laughs* The dynamic sure isn't weak!)
So now I go do some errandy things and come back and find out what's in store. Deal with it, and go on, hopefully not screwing up again... at least not for awhile!
Monday, June 28, 2010
Unspoiled
If I want something, I buy it. If I can't afford it, I either figure out a way to afford it, or I don't get it. That's the way it's always been with me. Most of the time I make due with what I have, and hopefully I don't spend too much money on little silly things to make myself smile, or make myself feel better about whatever it is I am trying to feel better about. (Usually, though, I do spend too much just on silly trinkets and all.)
This is going to be one of the bigger changes for me: asking permission to spend money on larger purchases, or really any purchase that isn't directly related to household stuff. (I don't have to ask to buy a 6-pack of Charmin or some Lysol or shampoo.) I don't mind it, not at all. In an odd way I rather like it. Master sends me a task list each morning, too, and in it might be things I need to go buy, bills I should pay, etc. Believe me, I can get so scatterbrained at times that a list like that helps!
As I alluded to, I have a bit of a bad habit of spending money on little silliness that adds up, and then gripping tight to money that needs to go for bills or important things. He lets me buy silliness, but now I don't feel that driving need to spoil myself with those. He has also sent me things he feels I need, which is a change from anyone before. I absolutely love taking photos, as anyone who knows me probably knows. My trusty camera of three years broke last week. Granted, lately it's been used mainly on my poor cat and on pictures of clouds, but still... I feel incomplete without a camera in my purse or pocket. Master, having known me for years already, knows this. I was trying to figure out finances that would let me grab just a $100 camera or something, but before I could even make a game plan on that, he bought me a replacement camera (better than what I had!) and sent it to me.
I realize that sort of sounds like I am showing off. I don't mean it that way. I am more grateful and amazed than I can express for that and for all the other wonderful things he has sent. He says I'd better not start becoming spoiled, and I honestly don't think I would. These gifts make me feel special and make me feel a bit spoiled, but that's different than actually being so. Instead, they are giving me a lasting feeling of deep-seated security. I can't really explain why. Maybe it's because most of my life, even as a child, there has always been the underlying worry about money and things. Today, I bought a printer to replace the one somehow screwified on my move back here from California. I need it for school. I need it to edit some writing. I need a printer, period. He gave me permission to go buy one today, and I would not have done so otherwise. On my own, I would have worried about needing the money for something else, and wound up spending it, little by little, on things I really don't need.
I guess what I am getting at is that he takes the responsibility of the choice from me. I know that would not set well in the least with quite a few of my friends, but for me, it works well. I don't have to second and third guess myself now. I don't have to face that huge monster of Buyer's Regret. He takes that away and, in a way, takes it upon himself, leaving me free to concentrate on things like school and writing and work and making him happy.
Yes, that could make me spoiled in a way, but in a good way. If I don't have to take up time and energy with worry and calculations and beating myself up over a purchase or two, I have that time and energy to devote to him and what he wants. Seeing him happy makes me happy, which makes me want to make him happy more. I like being spoiled like that.
This is going to be one of the bigger changes for me: asking permission to spend money on larger purchases, or really any purchase that isn't directly related to household stuff. (I don't have to ask to buy a 6-pack of Charmin or some Lysol or shampoo.) I don't mind it, not at all. In an odd way I rather like it. Master sends me a task list each morning, too, and in it might be things I need to go buy, bills I should pay, etc. Believe me, I can get so scatterbrained at times that a list like that helps!
As I alluded to, I have a bit of a bad habit of spending money on little silliness that adds up, and then gripping tight to money that needs to go for bills or important things. He lets me buy silliness, but now I don't feel that driving need to spoil myself with those. He has also sent me things he feels I need, which is a change from anyone before. I absolutely love taking photos, as anyone who knows me probably knows. My trusty camera of three years broke last week. Granted, lately it's been used mainly on my poor cat and on pictures of clouds, but still... I feel incomplete without a camera in my purse or pocket. Master, having known me for years already, knows this. I was trying to figure out finances that would let me grab just a $100 camera or something, but before I could even make a game plan on that, he bought me a replacement camera (better than what I had!) and sent it to me.
I realize that sort of sounds like I am showing off. I don't mean it that way. I am more grateful and amazed than I can express for that and for all the other wonderful things he has sent. He says I'd better not start becoming spoiled, and I honestly don't think I would. These gifts make me feel special and make me feel a bit spoiled, but that's different than actually being so. Instead, they are giving me a lasting feeling of deep-seated security. I can't really explain why. Maybe it's because most of my life, even as a child, there has always been the underlying worry about money and things. Today, I bought a printer to replace the one somehow screwified on my move back here from California. I need it for school. I need it to edit some writing. I need a printer, period. He gave me permission to go buy one today, and I would not have done so otherwise. On my own, I would have worried about needing the money for something else, and wound up spending it, little by little, on things I really don't need.
I guess what I am getting at is that he takes the responsibility of the choice from me. I know that would not set well in the least with quite a few of my friends, but for me, it works well. I don't have to second and third guess myself now. I don't have to face that huge monster of Buyer's Regret. He takes that away and, in a way, takes it upon himself, leaving me free to concentrate on things like school and writing and work and making him happy.
Yes, that could make me spoiled in a way, but in a good way. If I don't have to take up time and energy with worry and calculations and beating myself up over a purchase or two, I have that time and energy to devote to him and what he wants. Seeing him happy makes me happy, which makes me want to make him happy more. I like being spoiled like that.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Open Letter To No One In Particular
I know break-ups are hard things to deal with. Believe me, I know! And when you know, deep inside, that a large chunk of the fault rests on your shoulders, whether you want to accept this or not, it can make the loss even worse.
But you have to remember that Fatal Attraction is just a movie... only that and nothing more. It is not a guide to getting him back, or getting back at him. (And considering Glenn Close's character dies at the end, it doesn't sound very promising!) And really, when you go to extraordinary lengths to lash out at him, don't you realize you are only making yourself look worse, and anyone who comes after you look better? In not accepting what has happened with grace and dignity, you destroy any chance there ever might have been for a reunion.
I'm not saying there shouldn't be anger and sadness. Those are natural, no matter what. They just go along with the process. When you allow them to manifest themselves in such silver-screen-worthy ways, you are asking for much more than you bargained for. Perhaps not the first time you do this, and perhaps not the second nor third... but at some point you will attempt to wreak havoc in the life of an ex, and said ex will not be nearly as forgiving and understanding as those before.
I hope, if you ever read this, that the next man you have will not become an ex, and that you both are exceedingly happy with each other. I honestly do, because I think everyone should have that. But if the next man does leave you, or you leave him, I hope you remember my cautionary words and heed them.
But you have to remember that Fatal Attraction is just a movie... only that and nothing more. It is not a guide to getting him back, or getting back at him. (And considering Glenn Close's character dies at the end, it doesn't sound very promising!) And really, when you go to extraordinary lengths to lash out at him, don't you realize you are only making yourself look worse, and anyone who comes after you look better? In not accepting what has happened with grace and dignity, you destroy any chance there ever might have been for a reunion.
I'm not saying there shouldn't be anger and sadness. Those are natural, no matter what. They just go along with the process. When you allow them to manifest themselves in such silver-screen-worthy ways, you are asking for much more than you bargained for. Perhaps not the first time you do this, and perhaps not the second nor third... but at some point you will attempt to wreak havoc in the life of an ex, and said ex will not be nearly as forgiving and understanding as those before.
I hope, if you ever read this, that the next man you have will not become an ex, and that you both are exceedingly happy with each other. I honestly do, because I think everyone should have that. But if the next man does leave you, or you leave him, I hope you remember my cautionary words and heed them.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Sort Of An Explanation
I guess I should explain to anyone coming to read this blog that you're not really going to find much in the way of titillation here. No stories about the bratty slavegirl being whipped mercilessly by her Master. (Okay, I hope not, at least! Going to try to avoid that one...) No juicy descriptions of sex scenes or anything.
What you will find is just me talking about my life and my relationship with my Master, who is really just a regular man, or so he keeps insisting to me. I'll let you know when I decide if I think that, too. *laughs* He and I have been close friends for nearly four years, albeit online. This was well before any M/s or romance or any such thing happened. I like this, because I feel much more comfortable with him than I would had we just started right off as master and slave.
He knows me as a very upset person, a woman angry inside at herself and at men she hoped would be more than they could manage to be for her. He knows me as someone shaken by a refusal I honestly didn't think would happen (and in a Dear Jane note, at that!). We know each other when we are livid, or hurt, or laughing, or silly, or excited, or quiet, or not feeling too well. We are the same age, so I can mention a Sesame Street skit, and he knows which one I'm talking about without explanation. We have so many things in common it's amazing, and yet many different things special to ourselves that make discovering each other so much fun.
The thing is, we have known each other as friends, so we can now discover the rest without having to figure out if we are compatible just hanging around together in the long term. That is what this blog is - the second part of the journey of discovery. If we seem too informal, it is because we don't feel the need for formality as a constant with each other. I don't know about Master, but it would stifle me, make me worry about stepping the wrong way or breaking some small rule of etiquette I'd forgotten. And I would feel afraid to laugh and joke with him, which would dampen my spirit and my joy. I know that isn't something he wants - he's said so on quite a few occasions.
I like the way things are going, and I am hoping people who wander across this blog might see a glimpse of this life in a different light, if they don't already.
That's all. :)
What you will find is just me talking about my life and my relationship with my Master, who is really just a regular man, or so he keeps insisting to me. I'll let you know when I decide if I think that, too. *laughs* He and I have been close friends for nearly four years, albeit online. This was well before any M/s or romance or any such thing happened. I like this, because I feel much more comfortable with him than I would had we just started right off as master and slave.
He knows me as a very upset person, a woman angry inside at herself and at men she hoped would be more than they could manage to be for her. He knows me as someone shaken by a refusal I honestly didn't think would happen (and in a Dear Jane note, at that!). We know each other when we are livid, or hurt, or laughing, or silly, or excited, or quiet, or not feeling too well. We are the same age, so I can mention a Sesame Street skit, and he knows which one I'm talking about without explanation. We have so many things in common it's amazing, and yet many different things special to ourselves that make discovering each other so much fun.
The thing is, we have known each other as friends, so we can now discover the rest without having to figure out if we are compatible just hanging around together in the long term. That is what this blog is - the second part of the journey of discovery. If we seem too informal, it is because we don't feel the need for formality as a constant with each other. I don't know about Master, but it would stifle me, make me worry about stepping the wrong way or breaking some small rule of etiquette I'd forgotten. And I would feel afraid to laugh and joke with him, which would dampen my spirit and my joy. I know that isn't something he wants - he's said so on quite a few occasions.
I like the way things are going, and I am hoping people who wander across this blog might see a glimpse of this life in a different light, if they don't already.
That's all. :)
A Little Bit Of Training
Since this is a long-distance relationship for now, Master and I do things "together" usually online. We fire up the Skype and talk a lot, and occasionally "watch tv". That started with showing each other different clips on YouTube, and has grown into watching whole shows on that site. Currently? Pride and Prejudice, the 1995 version with Colin Firth and Jennifer Erle. (I think I need to look over on Hulu to see what else I can suggest we can watch together, too...) While we're not physically curled up on the couch together and watching, it still feels like that in closeness with the voice application.
Last night, Master had me wear the wrist and ankle cuffs he sent me while we watched two of the episodes. The ankle cuffs were locked, though the wrist ones weren't. (I was too afraid I'd not be able to get out of them, and sitting there naked and bound by myself when having to call for 911 to come help me? You know I begged him not to have me lock the wrists!) About halfway through, he asked me how they felt. And to be honest, I really liked them. The ankle ones, especially, because they are soft but strong, and felt to me the same as if his hands were wrapped around my ankles, holding them in place. Even though he wasn't here, it was almost as if he was. And it was nice.
Yes, it's hard to completely feel submission over distance like this, especially as we've not met before. (I guess at some point I should explain the whole situation.) Compound it with how both our lives went hectic right as I was collared, plus the different work schedules, and the fact my training has really only been in an online capacity, and you have "hard". But hells, I'd rather have it start out hard than go for a few years and then run up against problems. I know over time there probably will be problems every so often, but at least this is a good testing ground for those later on.
But I do really like those cuffs. :)
Last night, Master had me wear the wrist and ankle cuffs he sent me while we watched two of the episodes. The ankle cuffs were locked, though the wrist ones weren't. (I was too afraid I'd not be able to get out of them, and sitting there naked and bound by myself when having to call for 911 to come help me? You know I begged him not to have me lock the wrists!) About halfway through, he asked me how they felt. And to be honest, I really liked them. The ankle ones, especially, because they are soft but strong, and felt to me the same as if his hands were wrapped around my ankles, holding them in place. Even though he wasn't here, it was almost as if he was. And it was nice.
Yes, it's hard to completely feel submission over distance like this, especially as we've not met before. (I guess at some point I should explain the whole situation.) Compound it with how both our lives went hectic right as I was collared, plus the different work schedules, and the fact my training has really only been in an online capacity, and you have "hard". But hells, I'd rather have it start out hard than go for a few years and then run up against problems. I know over time there probably will be problems every so often, but at least this is a good testing ground for those later on.
But I do really like those cuffs. :)
Monday, June 21, 2010
Summer Term
Today begins the summer 2010 term at my college. Slowly but surely I am plodding my way to my AA degree, then on to a BA. This summer, I am taking Art History. It's part of the requirements for my concentration, plus it's interesting. Writing-intensive, too, which I like.
One of the things I really appreciate about Master is that I have yet to hear him question my choice of classes. He is very supportive and encouraging, which is wonderful, but doesn't pull the "Why don't you go for a business degree so you can make more money?" thing. I have no interest in a business degree. I don't want to wind up in a career I have no interest in, and find dull and stifling. I don't care how much money I would supposedly make. (To be honest, I wouldn't make much, because I wouldn't care about my work.)
And that seems fine with him. He cares about my learning, not so much about my earning. Who knows, too... what I am learning might just wind up turning into a good, profitable business someday, too. Maybe a few books written and published. Maybe a teaching degree at some point, if I decide to go that way.
For now, I need to make an A in this class, to offset the complete goat rope that happened last semester!
One of the things I really appreciate about Master is that I have yet to hear him question my choice of classes. He is very supportive and encouraging, which is wonderful, but doesn't pull the "Why don't you go for a business degree so you can make more money?" thing. I have no interest in a business degree. I don't want to wind up in a career I have no interest in, and find dull and stifling. I don't care how much money I would supposedly make. (To be honest, I wouldn't make much, because I wouldn't care about my work.)
And that seems fine with him. He cares about my learning, not so much about my earning. Who knows, too... what I am learning might just wind up turning into a good, profitable business someday, too. Maybe a few books written and published. Maybe a teaching degree at some point, if I decide to go that way.
For now, I need to make an A in this class, to offset the complete goat rope that happened last semester!
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Within Fortune Cookies
Around the end of February, I had a huge taste for Chinese delivery. Love the stuff. Better than pizza by far. (Delivery guy is cuter, too!) I took to saving my little fortunes, just like I used to when I was a kid. I mean, who knows when they might prove true, right?
This one week, I got the same fortune twice, which is odd even for me.: Remember three months from this date. Good things are in store for you. I think hey, you never know... so I save these fortunes, wondering what in the world could be so cool as to fulfill that in three months.
Three months later I was collared by my Master.
Just now, waiting for my bath to fill (disgustingly hot again today, so I am going to soak), I open a fortune cookie from Panda Express I got yesterday. A partnership shall prove successful for you.
Maybe I should play these lottery numbers on the backs of the slips...
This one week, I got the same fortune twice, which is odd even for me.: Remember three months from this date. Good things are in store for you. I think hey, you never know... so I save these fortunes, wondering what in the world could be so cool as to fulfill that in three months.
Three months later I was collared by my Master.
Just now, waiting for my bath to fill (disgustingly hot again today, so I am going to soak), I open a fortune cookie from Panda Express I got yesterday. A partnership shall prove successful for you.
Maybe I should play these lottery numbers on the backs of the slips...
Friday, June 18, 2010
Really, I Am Going To Do Housework!
Yes, I am.
Just as soon as I get rid of this headache.
You better believe I can be a weenie. A big ole ballpark frank - I plump up all juicy when I feel the need to be more of a weenie than a regular hot dog.
I have friends who deal with so much more physically than I could imagine, and they push and push and get what they need to get done, done. I am embarrassed to admit I still find "reasons" to loll around and not clean the apartment, not do laundry, not wash the dishes. (And yet that embarrassment still isn't always enough to get me up off my tush and moving.)
I think I am allergic to sweating in the heat. (And that's only half a joke there, too.)
But yes, as soon as this headache goes away completely, I am going to at least take out the trash. Then I might do some dishes, and wash the sheets on my bed. I don't go to work for quite a few hours yet, so I should have enough time to do all this. Oh, and perhaps vacuum as well. My cat sheds enough fur to knit a scarf each time I pet her, so I can imagine how many layers of kitty hair are woven into the carpets since I vacuumed last week!
I do have to say I am thankful Master understands all this, too. Well, the fact he hates melting heat as well helps in that department! It would definitely be different if I lived with him and was neglecting all of this... of course, if I was living with him, there would be that nifty thing called air conditioning, too. with frigid air flowing into all the rooms, I wouldn't be worried about falling over in a heat-induced faint, right?
And guess what? Through the miracle of little green see-through pills with Advil stamped in white across them, I am no longer feeling the tightness nor pain of the nasty headache monster. Out goes the trash now!
Just as soon as I get rid of this headache.
You better believe I can be a weenie. A big ole ballpark frank - I plump up all juicy when I feel the need to be more of a weenie than a regular hot dog.
I have friends who deal with so much more physically than I could imagine, and they push and push and get what they need to get done, done. I am embarrassed to admit I still find "reasons" to loll around and not clean the apartment, not do laundry, not wash the dishes. (And yet that embarrassment still isn't always enough to get me up off my tush and moving.)
I think I am allergic to sweating in the heat. (And that's only half a joke there, too.)
But yes, as soon as this headache goes away completely, I am going to at least take out the trash. Then I might do some dishes, and wash the sheets on my bed. I don't go to work for quite a few hours yet, so I should have enough time to do all this. Oh, and perhaps vacuum as well. My cat sheds enough fur to knit a scarf each time I pet her, so I can imagine how many layers of kitty hair are woven into the carpets since I vacuumed last week!
I do have to say I am thankful Master understands all this, too. Well, the fact he hates melting heat as well helps in that department! It would definitely be different if I lived with him and was neglecting all of this... of course, if I was living with him, there would be that nifty thing called air conditioning, too. with frigid air flowing into all the rooms, I wouldn't be worried about falling over in a heat-induced faint, right?
And guess what? Through the miracle of little green see-through pills with Advil stamped in white across them, I am no longer feeling the tightness nor pain of the nasty headache monster. Out goes the trash now!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Because He Said
Master said he would like for me to write an entry in this journal today. You know how it is, though... "Write about what?" I ask him. "Anything," he replies. Thoughts, observations, anything about being a slave.
I said all I could think about right now was how hot it is.
So..... Yes, it is hot. It seems the thermometer is stuck at 97* for hours and hours upon end. (Last night I went to bed with those blue ice packs from the freezer hovering around my body on the bed. Don't laugh - it worked! Well, especially after I put one under the back of my neck and laid back on the pillow...)
This kind of weather wilts me. I have no energy, and my brain feels like Malt-O-Meal when I try to think. How I am actually getting all this out onto e-paper is beyond me. Maybe the writer in me is much more willful than anything else. There are certain things Master wants me to do each day, and to be honest, this heat just gives me the attitude of "meh, maybe later... maybe lots later". Really good slave-like thinking, right? *rolls eyes*
Kneeling for a set amount of time doesn't seem too bad, right? Even in front of a fan? It probably wouldn't be, if I was actually used to it. I am still getting there, though. I weigh a lot more than I did when I used to plop onto the floor and kneel to read something, or watch television, or play a board game. It hurts now, and though I know it's go away someday, it hurts right now. Whining? You bet. But I do it. The fact that the pain and the going to sleep of limbs makes it uncomfortable, and for some reason the discomfort makes my body hot (and not in a good way), makes me really dread doing it. I don't want to. Hot and ouchie are not two of my favorite feelings.
I am trying to be much better at watching cash flow and what I eat, only without the air conditioner working and no window in the kitchen, do you really think I want to cook in there? Hells, I don't even want to go in there. (Neither does my cat!) I also don't want to do house cleaning, and launder my clothes only when I realize I have no more clean things to wear.
I am supposed to be writing something for his project online, but with mush-brain, I can't think of what to write, can't make my fingers really work on the keyboard... I just want to be completely lazy and go back in the bedroom and sleep until September.
All these things will wind up getting done, yes. And when the air conditioning is finally fixed, it will be much better, and I know it. It's just a struggle right now with the heat and a few other things left unmentioned in my life to make myself do what he wants me to do. It's not that I don't want to... it's that I don't want to in this heat and this tiredness and all this complete blah. I feel like just pulling away sometimes and shutting down until it's more comfortable for me.
Which, of course, is the wrong attitude and what I am ultimately struggling with right now. I'm a tough cookie (or so I try to put out), and I'll fight through it. But damn, it's not a fight I thought I would have to take on so soon.
I said all I could think about right now was how hot it is.
So..... Yes, it is hot. It seems the thermometer is stuck at 97* for hours and hours upon end. (Last night I went to bed with those blue ice packs from the freezer hovering around my body on the bed. Don't laugh - it worked! Well, especially after I put one under the back of my neck and laid back on the pillow...)
This kind of weather wilts me. I have no energy, and my brain feels like Malt-O-Meal when I try to think. How I am actually getting all this out onto e-paper is beyond me. Maybe the writer in me is much more willful than anything else. There are certain things Master wants me to do each day, and to be honest, this heat just gives me the attitude of "meh, maybe later... maybe lots later". Really good slave-like thinking, right? *rolls eyes*
Kneeling for a set amount of time doesn't seem too bad, right? Even in front of a fan? It probably wouldn't be, if I was actually used to it. I am still getting there, though. I weigh a lot more than I did when I used to plop onto the floor and kneel to read something, or watch television, or play a board game. It hurts now, and though I know it's go away someday, it hurts right now. Whining? You bet. But I do it. The fact that the pain and the going to sleep of limbs makes it uncomfortable, and for some reason the discomfort makes my body hot (and not in a good way), makes me really dread doing it. I don't want to. Hot and ouchie are not two of my favorite feelings.
I am trying to be much better at watching cash flow and what I eat, only without the air conditioner working and no window in the kitchen, do you really think I want to cook in there? Hells, I don't even want to go in there. (Neither does my cat!) I also don't want to do house cleaning, and launder my clothes only when I realize I have no more clean things to wear.
I am supposed to be writing something for his project online, but with mush-brain, I can't think of what to write, can't make my fingers really work on the keyboard... I just want to be completely lazy and go back in the bedroom and sleep until September.
All these things will wind up getting done, yes. And when the air conditioning is finally fixed, it will be much better, and I know it. It's just a struggle right now with the heat and a few other things left unmentioned in my life to make myself do what he wants me to do. It's not that I don't want to... it's that I don't want to in this heat and this tiredness and all this complete blah. I feel like just pulling away sometimes and shutting down until it's more comfortable for me.
Which, of course, is the wrong attitude and what I am ultimately struggling with right now. I'm a tough cookie (or so I try to put out), and I'll fight through it. But damn, it's not a fight I thought I would have to take on so soon.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Cabot! Cabot! Cabot!
This is a GREAT review! If you haven't seen this movie courtesy Mystery Science Theater 3000, I highly suggest you do.
http://www.monstershack.net/sp/index.php/outlaw-of-gor-1989/
http://www.monstershack.net/sp/index.php/outlaw-of-gor-1989/
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Exhaustion
When I am exhausted, it's hard for me to think, let alone think clearly. The reaction time in my brain slows to the point it seems to be dragging through a river of molasses. (I wish I could say "molasses in January", but it's too hot for my brain to even slow that much!) And when I can't think clearly, I don't feel myself the best slave nor the best companion (not to be confused with Companion). I hate when this happens, but I know it's something that will happen from time to time in my life.
I feel the weight of all the things I still have to do for the day on my head, but don't have the energy to even begin them. Coffee helps, thank goodness, and my taste for iced coffee that was developed when I lived in New York takes away the problem of more heat. Thankfully, Master understands all of this. I just have to tell him what is wrong, and he adds that into the equation. Hells, I don't even have to tell him most of the time - he can tell by the way I speak or type, not to mention the fact he knows how little sleep I've had these past few days.
I've been sent off to take a cool soak, and am finishing this entry while a bit of warmer water is drawn into the bath. (I like starting it warm, and then letting cool water splash over my toes, lowering the temperature and cooling me off without making me cringe.) The third in a series of Pride and Prejudice books by Pamela Aiden awaits me... ooh, Mr. Darcy! After that, I need to buckle down, as my Mom says, and plow through the stacked up homework and tests and all. Books for the summer semester still need to be ordered, trash should be taken to the Dumpster, and I have an inworld class to finish writing. I suppose being this busy is much better than being bored!
I feel the weight of all the things I still have to do for the day on my head, but don't have the energy to even begin them. Coffee helps, thank goodness, and my taste for iced coffee that was developed when I lived in New York takes away the problem of more heat. Thankfully, Master understands all of this. I just have to tell him what is wrong, and he adds that into the equation. Hells, I don't even have to tell him most of the time - he can tell by the way I speak or type, not to mention the fact he knows how little sleep I've had these past few days.
I've been sent off to take a cool soak, and am finishing this entry while a bit of warmer water is drawn into the bath. (I like starting it warm, and then letting cool water splash over my toes, lowering the temperature and cooling me off without making me cringe.) The third in a series of Pride and Prejudice books by Pamela Aiden awaits me... ooh, Mr. Darcy! After that, I need to buckle down, as my Mom says, and plow through the stacked up homework and tests and all. Books for the summer semester still need to be ordered, trash should be taken to the Dumpster, and I have an inworld class to finish writing. I suppose being this busy is much better than being bored!
Of Birthdays And Homework
His birthday was yesterday. I had hoped to get a few things off in the mail to him in time, but you know how life can be. Another hope: that his day ended on a better note than it began.
I am lucky in many different ways, not the least being Master's encouragement regarding my continuing education. I have a ton of makeup work to do before mid-week, thanks to computer crashes and glitches and unforeseen bits, and not only has he supplied me with the tools to fix the problems, but he is pushing me along. Would I push myself to finish all this normally? Yes. But there is an added layer of felt responsibility, of need to not disappoint, that goes along with everything now. He wants me to succeed; he wants me to finish; he wants to see my GPA continue to float in the higher levels. And I don't want to hear disappointment in his voice, or see it in his eyes. I don't want to be the cause of that.
So, yes. My Sunday "off" will be spent doing a lot of work I have already done, and a lot more I missed thanks to the snafus. But it is worth every moment of it.
I am lucky in many different ways, not the least being Master's encouragement regarding my continuing education. I have a ton of makeup work to do before mid-week, thanks to computer crashes and glitches and unforeseen bits, and not only has he supplied me with the tools to fix the problems, but he is pushing me along. Would I push myself to finish all this normally? Yes. But there is an added layer of felt responsibility, of need to not disappoint, that goes along with everything now. He wants me to succeed; he wants me to finish; he wants to see my GPA continue to float in the higher levels. And I don't want to hear disappointment in his voice, or see it in his eyes. I don't want to be the cause of that.
So, yes. My Sunday "off" will be spent doing a lot of work I have already done, and a lot more I missed thanks to the snafus. But it is worth every moment of it.
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